Mom’s denial a dead end for bond with daughter

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This article was published 04/11/2023 (711 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My “closeted” lesbian sister finally broke free. She came home with a shaved-sides-and-back haircut, in jeans and a T-shirt with no makeup. My mother said, half-kidding, “Who are you? I don’t recognize you. Is this a joke? Tell me it’s a joke!”

My sister said, “It’s no joke! I’m in love with a wonderful woman.” My mother kept looking at a spot on the ceiling over her head and saying, ”Please, please make this go away!” She was talking to God, again.

I just looked at my sister and said, “See how it feels to be the disappointing one?” She’s been hiding in the “Closet for Wannabe Lesbians” for years. She made herself look like a girly-girl in high school because she said she “couldn’t come out and destroy Mom.”

I understood that. Our divorced mother has had a fund building up for two big weddings to a couple of charming princes since junior high.

My sister quickly packed two big bags and moved out to her girlfriend’s apartment. My mother cried and cried as she watched her stuff go out the door. Now I’m the only one here to listen. What can I do? My sister is not about to change back and move home.

— Trapped With Our Deluded Mother, Winnipeg

Dear Trapped: Your sister needs to tell your mom that once she gets over the shock and can be civil, she can meet her girlfriend. As for the big wedding fund, tell Mom it’s not a pressure either of you want, and she should spend it on something else she really wants — like maybe a trip somewhere with friends.

In future conversations, tell her you’re there for her and your sister, and will continue to see your sister as much as possible. Suggest to your Mom that she gets some counselling without you, to help her get over the shock, accept reality and make peace with her other daughter.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Facebook has helped me connect with many men from my past, but now it has caused a serious problem. Some old boyfriends are using me as their crying towel, to share the details of their horrible, loveless marriages.

I’m a sympathetic person, so I admit I do let them go on for a bit. Then I’ll say, “Don’t you think you should talk to your wife, and maybe get some marriage counselling?” Well, wouldn’t you know it? I received a heated message from one wife this week, saying she knew I was “the woman trying to break up her marriage!”

She’d obviously read the messages between her husband and me and got the wrong idea. I was never after her stupid husband! But now, this guy has gone silent, and is not returning my messages and calls. Has he made me the scapegoat? How can I clear this misunderstanding up?

— Not Guilty, East Kildonan

Dear Not Guilty: Yes, it sounds like you’re the scapegoat. This ex-boyfriend was probably not thinking his wife would come after you, but she has! You don’t need complicated relationships with unhappy ex-loves looking for sympathy. So, devote an hour to taking these old boyfriends and their mutual-friend connections off your Facebook, and blocking their wives, too.

Then set up some ground rules for yourself, like, “Onward and upward, with no more ex-boyfriends in tow.”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend and I had our first baby six months ago and my body is still healing. The other day — since I’m feeling quite a bit better now — I tried to get him to make love with me, and he said he didn’t want to.

I asked him why, and he ended up telling me he doesn’t like my body anymore. What? I carried and gave birth to his baby, and he has attitude about my body? Are you kidding me? Is this normal with most guys? He’s not getting any action for a long while, trust me.

— Baby Body, downtown Winnipeg

Dear Baby Body: Some fathers of new babies treat their wives like they’re miracles of nature. But a few new dads, like your partner, are shocked by the whole birthing experience. Tell your husband it took many months to get to the point where you were carrying a fully-developed baby, and it will take many months to gradually have your body get close to your pre-pregnancy shape. A body doesn’t just snap back over night. Also inform him that you — the person he loves — are here for him and ready to make love, but that it won’t happen if he continues to hurt and insult you.

Does he realize he could lose everything, including having you and the baby under the same roof, if he continues to disrespect you and your body which just performed this miracle? Also talk to your doctor about this issue and ask for a referral to a group class for parents of newborns.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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