Family dream can’t paper over relationship cracks

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This article was published 21/11/2023 (1000 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My girlfriend and I have lived together for 21/2 years now. We got into a big fight about how I’m still paying for 75 per cent of everything, and she barely works a part-time job! She goes, “How can I be expected to make more money when it’s impossible these days?”

I guess she thinks because she’s poor already, she shouldn’t have to work more. Well guess what: I’m the one paying for everything else! Sometimes I just look at her and think, “What a baby!”

I don’t want to leave her, though, because I want a family and we’re already in our 30s. But holy smokes, it’s like she doesn’t even try and it makes me so mad!

— Frustrated Provider, St. Vital

Dear Provider: Don’t get caught in the “better have a baby before it’s too late” trap unless you love this woman deeply and forever and think she will be a great mother to your children.

Otherwise, it could easily end with the relationship falling apart, you not even living with your children and you contributing financially to your former mate for raising the kids — with another man.

You don’t even mention love. It just sounds like an arrangement that isn’t going well, but this woman is not your only chance. It’s time to stop spinning your wheels with this woman who has never even tried pulling her weight in the relationship.

If you can’t imagine being happily married to her for a lifetime, then you’re really rolling the dice.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This fall my alcoholic wife moved in with her best friend and favourite drinking companion — another woman. Our youngest daughter, who still lives with me, is 18. She just told me the two of them sat her down and told her they’re living together now as a couple, and they’re in love.

This doesn’t surprise me, as I know a lot more about her mom’s life than my poor daughter does, but the announcement has shocked my kid, who says she doesn’t feel comfortable going to visit her mom anymore. It has nothing to do with it being a same-sex relationship; she just says her mother and this woman make cracks about me, and it makes her feel awful. What can I do to help my poor kid adjust to this complicated mess?

— Dad With a Big Headache, St. James

Dear Dad With Headache: It’s hard for your daughter experiencing painful and confusing feelings about her parents’ breakup, plus coping with her mother’s new female love partner. On top of that, there’s the hard-drinking issue. As her dad, you must be feeling overwhelmed as well.

The good news is, there is a way to really help your daughter at this point. Your all-important role is to research some help for her, as it may be too much for her to cope with right now. Here are few leads for you.

Klinic Community Health’s 24-7 crisis line can be reached at 204-786-8686 (For more info, visit klinic.mb.ca/crisis-support). They offer many connections to counselling help with emotional and physical health issues.

To help cope with her mom’s drinking, Al-Anon (al-anon.org/newcomers/faq) is a good contact. The organization assists friends and family of alcoholics, offering meetings and counselling.

Women’s Health Clinic (womenshealthclinic.org), can help your daughter medically and emotionally in a female-friendly environment. They can also recommend top individual counsellors and groups to help her get through this trying time.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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