Find someone more adept with human needs

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This article was published 02/02/2024 (974 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I just fell in love with someone who is a private animal rescuer, and I really admire him — but we’re already done in one month.

He told me he has had many girlfriends, and invited them all to his property outside the city. Like me, they always resented the hours he spent loving and tending to the physical and psychological needs of his animals.

I’ve also been forced to step back and let him love and care for all these lost souls when I’m there, and I’m no different. I’m feeling hurt and ignored. I never seem to learn. Once again, I’ve become attracted to an animal-rescue type. Stupid me.

So, yesterday I sat him down and told him about my history. He went quiet and then rose, said a sweet goodbye, kissed me and showed me to the door. I went home and cried myself to sleep, knowing he was right to do that.

How do I break free from my need to be with an animal-rescuer? I adore them, but don’t want to be one myself.

— Lonely Lady, Wolseley

Dear Lonely: The type you’re attracted to is a sympathetic person — a healer and caregiver. Doctors, nurses, physiotherapists, social workers and counsellors are also this type, but the difference is they don’t look after their patients/clients when they’re at home, like your private animal-rescuers do.

Try to shift your attention to caregiver types who can leave work behind at the end of their shifts, and spend their spare time and energy with you. Then you can really enjoy giving and taking lots of love and attention, yet you’re still enjoying time with the kind of person you naturally admire.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My new wife was extremely happy living in my old neighbourhood. I put it down to her having a new female friend just a few blocks over. They had been spending a lot of time together — like every day — as they both work nights in the same restaurant.

Unfortunately, everything just blew up. I came home from work in the daytime because I was sick, and my wife’s friend’s car was parked outside.

I unlocked our back door and walked in. The first room off the back hallway is a spare bedroom and I could hear some fast scrambling going on. The door was locked, so I rattled it and shouted, “Are you all right?”

My wife and this woman friend were in there together. My wife ran out first and the other woman ran past me still buttoning her shirt, exiting the back door and roaring off.

I should have known. My wife had told me she was bisexual “for a time” when I started going with her, but was no longer interested in women. I thought I was safe. I guess it was my ego that made me think I could fulfil her in every way.

She now says she loved me for a time but then missed what only a woman could give her. She says she missed a woman’s loving the whole time and was sorry she interfered with my life — but at least she’d tried it out. Everything was about her.

Why didn’t she dump me before the wedding? Also, why was she making all those plans after the wedding about having children together? I was 100 per cent invested.

— 100 Per Cent Crushed, St. James

Dear Crushed: Be glad you didn’t end up with a baby you would have had to share with your ex-wife and a new partner.

Also, be aware that you, as a male, can start a family for many years to come, hopefully with a partner who really loves you. That avenue isn’t closed off by this breakup.

Now, let’s look at your heart. While your hastily departing wife doesn’t want any relationship counselling, you might shorten your heartbreak and anger by seeing a counsellor or psychologist on your own.

Even a couple of sessions could help you a lot more than just talking to friends and family. For instance, you need help processing the bad feelings from this big deception. Instead of carrying it around, you could work through it with proper therapy.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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