Family more focused on feuds than real bonds

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This article was published 03/08/2024 (754 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: When I first started dating my fiancé, I thought my life had changed for the better. Everyone in his large family could not have been nicer to me!

Then I started hearing whispers about “the outlaws,” as they call themselves. That’s my fiancé’s two daughters, in their 20s already and still living in high style at home.

According to the cleaning lady who’s taken pity on me, these little meddlers have money down on how long it’ll take to ruin yet another of their dad’s relationships. The oldest daughter is the worst — the most entitled piece of work I’ve ever met. In recent months I’ve tried everything to get close with both “kids,” but they’re totally cold and unwelcoming when Dad isn’t around.

I finally brought up my feelings with my fiancé, laying out examples of their behaviour toward me, but he refused to believe his daughters would talk to me so rudely. He said I must be “jealous and over-reacting.” So, I put my phone on record and went to speak with the worst one. In that conversation she told me there’s “no need getting close to her” because I “wouldn’t be here much longer.”

I went right back to my fiancé with the recording. He was upset with me, and said I baited his daughter into saying those things. I’m deeply upset now.

— Daddy’s Little Girls Win Again? Bridgwater

Dear Win Again: They’re a rude family — the dad included — and they’re not going to change. At some level it’s likely your fiancé secretly enjoys people fighting over him, as it may make him feel important. And perhaps, deep down, he doesn’t want to get married to anybody right now or ever again. Clearly, his last marriage didn’t go well.

So why are you hanging on? This isn’t a tug-of-war contest. Don’t look at this as a game you’ve got to win; look at it as a dangerous pit you almost fell into, and now you’re going to get yourself out of danger and stay way.

So it’s time to run for the hills and don’t even look back! This man’s rough edges can be felt now. Plus, you have to know, the “kids” picked up their nasty behaviours somewhere — from their dad, mom or maybe both.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have traditional values, though I don’t mind if other people choose to live differently, but when it comes to romance it’s different for me. I want my guy to be a “manly man” and I will be feminine “girly girl.”

I was upfront about this with my new boyfriend, and he seemed hesitant at first, but after discussing it thoroughly, he was able to see this was just a personal preference, and not coming from a place of prejudice or hate. I told him other people can have whatever style of relationship they want, and this is just what I want — a traditional one.

For a few months, things were going good. Why? He has masculine hobbies like cars, landscaping, sports and so on, and I love that. It turns me on. But recently there have been things I can’t ignore that make me feel like he’s not living up to the role of the traditional man.

We moved in together a few weeks ago, and a couple incidents have already concerned me. We found a dead mouse in the house and he was freaked out and couldn’t deal with picking up the dead carcass, so I — the woman — had to pick it up and take it out to the trash.

I’ve also caught him crying while watching movies together in our new place. I didn’t say anything, but I felt really turned off and I haven’t turned back on. Is it time to break it off with him?

— Seriously Turned Off, West End

Dear Turned Off: Sensitive guys can’t turn into tough guys at will, just to please a woman. If your plan is to keep trying to shame your boyfriend into being a tough guy, you have to know it’s not going to happen. He’ll have to keep pretending, and that won’t work when he’s put to the test. You’ll only succeed in making him feel bad about himself, if you stay together.

So, it may already be time to say goodbye to this sensitive man. Let him find a woman who welcomes his soft side. Lots of modern women enjoy having a kind, sensitive guy as their partner. You are not one of those women, and you already know that.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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