If score’s even, time to retire from game-playing

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This article was published 19/09/2024 (744 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife is a Sunday golfer, or claims to be. She gets up early, showers, gets all fixed up and then comes in to give me a peck goodbye. She always says, “Have a great day — I know I will.”

I hate it when she says that.

Then she’s off in her car to meet the girls and head out to the golf course. They like to go to rural golf courses because she says they are less crowded.

She doesn’t come home until 6 or 7 p.m. when I have the barbecue going for supper. When she arrives, she’s always in a great mood, but a bit tired and quite vague about her golf game. She’ll tell me she doesn’t really want to talk about it and change the subject.

I suspect she’s having an affair because it would be payback for an affair I had once. I swore I would never cheat again after I got caught seeing somebody through a sport I am involved with, and I haven’t. I only love my wife, but she doesn’t seem convinced.

How can I stop what feels like needless payback?

— Hating Sundays, South St. Vital

Dear Hating Sundays: Your wife must have guessed that you could have tracked her if you wanted to, but you didn’t bother. Well, this summer is over and it’s time to have a talk — either open and detailed, or brief and filed away quickly.

You two game-players might just want to start over now it’s possible you might be even. Some couples are like that. Others can’t bear to let extramarital wandering go by without hashing it out or ending the relationship completely.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Recently, my teenage son started dating a girl of another ethnicity. She doesn’t want anyone to know they’re seeing each other because her family won’t approve. This is upsetting for me.

I’ve always felt that love is love and shouldn’t be discriminated against based on culture, gender or race. All love is beautiful to me, and my husband and I have raised our family with these values.

My son is a hopeless romantic and head over heels for this girl. Having to keep everything secret is destroying him emotionally.

I was shocked to hear my son has talked to some people of different nationalities who have said to him, “Good, it’s your turn to see what it feels like.” I firmly believe that sort of attitude is wrong.

I’m aware that people who look like my family (white) perpetrated awful things in the past, but my family in our generation has never done anything of the sort. To see my son experiencing a complete lack of empathy from others about it is upsetting.

How do I support my son as this relationship continues?

— Worried Mom, West End

Dear Worried Mom: First, educate yourself and the whole family about the history of the new girlfriend’s family’s nation and culture and what they’ve been through. If the two families are ever going to get together, you need to know what the situation was like for her great-grandparents, grandparents and parents, at least.

Then you’ll realize you can’t just generalize that “it’s time this fight was over.” Educating your family will also mean it’s not so easy for his girlfriend’s family to put up a wall and claim you don’t care about what happened to their people in the past. That should soften things a bit.

Then it’s time for the two families to meet, even if they’re still feeling prickly. Make it a dinner offering some favourite dishes from both cultures that you prepare or source out. It’s hard to look down your noses at interesting food and genuinely warm hospitality.

If the girlfriend’s family refuses all invitations to get together, your son will at least know how hard you tried to make a connection. But if they do come, even reluctantly, and it goes well, the girlfriend’s family might decide they do at least like your family. That might be just enough for the two young lovers involved.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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