It’s the commitment that counts in the long run

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This article was published 12/10/2024 (722 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a happily divorced woman, age 49. I was recently lying in a park on a blanket watching the leaves come down with my wonderful new guy, feeling very happy and content, when he asked me how I felt about marriage! I said, “I enjoyed it the first time, but then we ran into terrible troubles. Why are you asking?”

He said, “I’d like to consider buying you a diamond ring and you could pick it out.” I thought “Great!” but then he didn’t say anything else at all. Nothing! We finally got up and went home.

Did he just want to buy me a ring to tell the world he loves me? I’ve heard about this ring-exchange-with-no-marriage fad happening a lot recently, but usually with younger couples. We’re middle-aged, and this arrangement doesn’t turn me on. We haven’t spoken about it since, and I haven’t wanted to be intimate with him much either!

— Stalling Out? Fort Garry

Dear Stalled Out: This type of thing can certainly work for older couples as well. I recently met a woman who is permanently engaged to the man of her dreams. They both had rough first marriages and divorces, but have been together for 20 years now with no desire for a wedding ceremony. The diamond wedding ring exchange was enough for them.

Break the silence and ask your man what it would mean for him to have you wear his ring, and for him to wear yours. Don’t say anything to influence his answer. It might intrigue you — or it might turn you off. You also need to tell him what a committed relationship means to you. He might be encouraged and delighted to hear your warm response.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother-in-law just moved out of our house — Hallelujah!

She’s moved in with her new boyfriend — an older guy I don’t trust. She looked right at me and her daughter (my forever love), when she was packing up the last of her stuff. She said, “At least I know my guy isn’t after my money, because he has his own — unlike some people I know!”

As if we were living off her! That made me so mad. She has no savings or investments her daughter and I know of, and Mom is one blabby woman who discloses everything she knows. She’s not a big-ticket spender, but she fritters away all the money she does have on bingo.

Who cares anyway? We’re glad she’s finally taken her big mouth and moved out, but there turns out to be a thorny problem. I did some digging around and I’ve recently found out Mom’s sweetheart got into fairly big legal trouble quite a few years ago, over some big-money deal. Should we tell Mom, or let her find out herself? She doesn’t deserve to have us protecting her with the way she disrespects us — particularly me. How much do you owe people, when you find out something like this?

— Unpopular Son-in-Law, Charleswood

Dear Unpopular: Listen to your conscience and talk to your lawyer. Try to find out specifics about this deal gone bad, and if there’s any risk to your mother-in-law being with this guy. If there is, she needs to be told. If there isn’t, it’s water under the bridge, and you need to let it go — even though it secretly delights you!

Here are some tips for future visits with Mom and her man. Read up on community events, sports and entertainment before they come over so you have plenty to chat about, without getting personal.

After a quick meal, proceed directly to watching an entertaining show on TV. Then stand up when it’s over, yawn and say, “Oh my gosh, look at the time!” and hope they take the hint. If they don’t much enjoy being with you either, they’ll be glad to have an easy exit.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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