Get help to understand your misplaced love

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 10/10/2024 (724 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I received a package today by courier, containing a beautiful diamond tennis bracelet. My eyes filled with tears of happiness! I thought my husband of 15 years finally wanted things to work out in our unhappy marriage. We’ve had issues, but I just never gave up on us.

However, after further investigation into the package, I found a romantic note addressed to “Sandy.” My name isn’t Sandy, and I have no idea who she could be.

When my husband arrived home, he was greeted with all his belongings packed and awaiting him in the garage, with a note attached saying, “Thank you for the beautiful bracelet. Go be with Sandy.” He just quietly took the boxes with his clothes, and left — didn’t yell, didn’t even knock on the door, not a word to me.

I’ve known for some time our marriage was in trouble, but I never thought another woman was the reason. I thought it was because I was never good enough, as that’s what he’s told me, in so many ways. But I still love the man! He was my high school sweetheart, and my first and only love. What do I do now?

— Numb and Betrayed, Charleswood

Dear Numb and Betrayed: Why do you love him? That’s part of the initial discussion you should have with a marriage/relationship counsellor.

You might say, “because he’s my husband,” or “because he’s the only man I’ve ever loved.” You may be recalling what you felt in the beginning and the “forever love” you vowed to him at the altar. But the quality of that love has changed. Your husband’s old love for you may have dwindled and gone, or he may actually love two women now — feeling a burning passion for the new woman and a cooler, historical love for you.

You may not be able to talk to him if he outright refuses, but you can talk openly to a relationship counsellor or psychologist — without having to watch your words.

You should ask your husband to join you for one session, at least. He may agree to go, simply because it’ll be easier to face you for the first time with a referee in the room. That’s OK, even if it ends fairly quickly, and he still intends to stay with the new woman. Why? Because you need to have at least one productive talk about what went wrong in the relationship and what you both want.

That should happen before “lawyering up” and going for a divorce, where life-changing decisions will be made.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a crush on my brilliant new university professor, and I think she knows it. My eyes never leave her face when she’s lecturing. She never talks about having a partner, so I don’t know if she’s married or what. Not everybody wears rings these days, and she doesn’t, so I’m hopeful.

I‘d like to go see her in her office someday soon, on some excuse, but I’m afraid she’ll know what I’m really feeling for her. Don’t tell me to switch professors — not happening. So, how do I get through this course with high marks, when all I can think about is my beautiful professor?

— Impressed in Every Way, Fort Richmond

Dear Impressed: While intimate or sexual relationships may not be outright banned at your place of learning, they certainly will be strongly discouraged. Many universities now have conflict-of-interest policies that expressly prohibit close relationships between faculty members and students they are directly instructing or assessing, so you wouldn’t be able to take any of her courses if you were dating.

Most university policies also require immediate disclosure from staff who become involved romantically with a student, so don’t think you’d be hooking up on the sly with your prof who’d jeopardizing her academic career.

Why not redirect your passion by analyzing what attracts you to this woman? Then you could look for someone similar by joining a couple of groups on campus where similar women might be involved. With a little luck, you could possibly meet someone who’s a great match for you.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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