Can’t linger forever in chilly limbo with returned ex

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This article was published 21/10/2024 (657 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I can’t believe my alcoholic ex showed up at my door recently with all her suitcases begging to get back in. She kicked herself out of our house and marriage months ago, for being “a drunk and disappointing wife.” Those were her words she wrote in a letter left on the kitchen table. Then she voluntarily went into a rehab program.

After she left, I thought that was it for us — but I never filed for divorce for some reason. I never looked for a girlfriend, either. I don’t know why, but I wasn’t waiting for my wife to come back sober because I had totally given up.

I had also given up on the idea of ever having my own happiness in love again.

So, there she stood at the door — sober and beautiful — asking me to give her another chance, saying she didn’t expect me to totally forgive her until she proved she was sober for good. Well, that was kind of a load off my back. I wouldn’t have to fake the forgiveness thing for her.

I felt my stupid arm involuntarily going up and pointing at the spare bedroom. She was back in.

That’s where she now spends a lot of time in the evenings, reading her self-help books. She goes to her new job during the day and does a lot of pre-cooking for my meals at night. She’s going to church now, up to three or four times a week, with some of her sobered-up friends.

So, what does she expect from me after opening the door to her? Is she waiting for me to say something, and if so, what? This is so weird for me.

Deep down, I’m afraid I love her again. Is it OK to just keep saying, “I’m here and you’re here. Let’s take it one step at a time, but I guarantee you nothing.”

I don’t have the energy to hash anything out. I felt totally empty when she was drinking and we were always fighting. Please help.

— Don’t Want to Fight Again, Winnipeg

Dear Don’t Want To Fight: Clearly there’s some former love left or you wouldn’t have let your wife come back home and stay. But be warned — it’s time you expressed your forgiveness and your warming feelings for her before she gives up and moves out. If you continue to punish her with coldness, she will simply be forced to go.

You really need to get some counselling yourself ASAP to sort out the good, bad and indifferent feelings you’re having about your wife in this unusual “friends-for-now” living situation.

Rather than overthinking this experiment with your wife, it’s time to stop it and free up feelings on both sides.

She’s sober, working and being pleasant and useful in the house — but that’s not enough for you. Stop being a grinch, my friend, or you will lose her for good. It’s time for both of you to enjoy one another again, and that includes affection and intimacy in a shared room.

Personal and couples counselling will help boost trust between you regarding drinking and other issues. You can find counselling services offered at the Addictions Foundation of Manitoba (afm.mb.ca).

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: A new “country” family just moved in next door (renting their first place in the city) and they’ve already been way too buddy-buddy for my liking. The dad in this family and I had only chatted over the fence for a while the afternoon they were moving in.

Then he had the nerve to ask if he might use the bathroom at my place, as the water wasn’t working properly yet at their house. I said an automatic no, and he went bright red. Then I stuttered around and made up some excuse about our water being on the fritz too. He didn’t look like he believed me.

Now his family is all moved in and they’re not talking to me and my wife at all — their backs are automatically turned when I come out of my door. I guess the word is out to the whole family about me and how and mean their new city neighbour is. This is bad, I realize. What should I do?

— City Guy, Waverley West

Dear City Guy: These new neighbours may come from a trusting and hospitable rural situation where people would consider what you did to be a real insult.

Since you’re regretting your actions, and want to be friendlier, knock on their door and apologize for the bathroom incident. You might try to explain about being careful in the city and waiting until you know people before letting them into your house, but don’t make too many excuses.

They may accept your apology and explanation, or they may have already decided you’re not the kind of people they want to know. It could go either way.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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