Painful engagement sting for blindsided ex

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This article was published 29/11/2024 (624 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I finally started getting over my girlfriend (in her mid-20s) after she moved out west this past summer for a job. But this week I got a real shock. I heard from a mutual friend she is already engaged to some other guy.

She’s telling mutual friends she’s over the moon about it, knowing they’ll tell me, of course. What’s that supposed to mean? She used to say she would never marry a guy unless there was big money involved. I was too polite to ask what this guy is worth.

When she lived in Winnipeg, she would say she loved me “best,” but never that she loved me “only.”

I’m 32 and ready for real love and want to settle down, but she had a problem with being faithful to any guy. To get around me, she used to say she only cheated with women, so that hardly counted.

She hurt me a lot, but she was so pretty and funny. What’s going on here?

— Shocked by Sudden Engagement, North Kildonan

Dear Shocked: Your ex-girlfriend thoroughly enjoys shocking stodgy old you. Her big engagement news did that so nicely. Let that make you angry because you need to get mad.

She’s young and probably still thinks you’re under her spell. There’s nothing new you can say to bring her back, so start ignoring her, immediately. At the same time, line up some emergency counselling to get back some equilibrium for yourself.

Once you’re feeling better, start looking for fun, grown-up people to date and don’t look back at immature younger women such as your ex.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My new man’s deceased wife used to perform with him in different stage shows. They never stopped dancing together. In fact, after their last child left home, they started dancing in the nude before going to bed at night, which he said often led to wild lovemaking. Why did he have to tell me this?

Last night I told him I couldn’t do any more of this prelude-to-passion dancing he’d introduced, as it brings his wife back to mind. It makes me feel sick to be the living substitute for his late beloved partner.

He said innocently that he just loves dancing in the dark and I need to accept that little quirk about him.

What do you think? Do I really have to do this thing that makes me feel queasy to keep him?

— Upset and Depressed, St. James

Dear Upset: This quirk is too much to accept. Your warning bells are going off, so trust them. Do not accept the role of his late wife’s stand-in, and don’t debate it. Just state your reasoning and feelings clearly once, and if he doesn’t accept that, depart this relationship.

Then think about getting some counselling to deal with the messed-up feelings in your head, heart and stomach. You owe yourself a quick resolution and not too much over-thinking — particularly all by yourself.

Please send your questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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