Deepening porn reliance more than a turnoff

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This article was published 25/01/2025 (589 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: When I first started dating my second husband, he liked watching porn. Then it progressed to us watching it together. Now, it’s while we’re in the process of having sex. I won’t call it “making love,” because I don’t feel the love. I feel like a character in one of these movies.

I finally told him I’m done with the porn, and if he wants to be with me, he has to be with me only. He laughed in my face, and called me a prude. I don’t want my husband focusing on some porn star while we make out, but I don’t want to have a sexless marriage either.

He watches porn often and has for years. He says it’s normal. What am I to do? I’ve definitely reached my limit.

— Out in the Cold, North Kildonan

Dear Out in the Cold: Most men are not like your husband, although he’s trying to bamboozle you into believing that.

Since he prefers to have sex along with actors faking dramatic sex, it’s time you found someone else who’s real and thinks you’re wonderful in every way. Free yourself now, and take your time looking for a man who returns your love and is naturally turned on by you and wants to make love to you for real.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I spotted my old love in our local hockey rink. My kid was playing on the home team against his son. That made me laugh.

I used to cheer for that kid’s dad when he was young. I had a special whistle sound I could make through my teeth and always made it while my ex was playing. So I just let one rip. The dad heard it and spotted me across the rink and started waving his arms at me.

Then he came over. He was still the same charming guy, and now there’s a problem — I can’t stop thinking about out him. I’m single again, and so is he. Sadly, there are reasons we broke up — religious and cultural differences. That hasn’t changed.

But things are starting to happen. We exchanged phone numbers at the rink and he called last night. We talked for ages like we used to do, but skirted around our old differences. Now what? I’m not very firm on this.

— Heading For Quicksand? River Heights

Dear Quicksand: You two already know you’re charmed by each other’s personalities, but don’t waste more time getting close again if the negatives are still there and insurmountable.

Some people in relationships have certain topics they have to avoid, but they aren’t necessarily deal-breakers. Yours were religious and cultural deal-breakers — two of the biggies. Are they still as important to one or both of you?

Find out quickly since you’re both attracted and free again. If you’re still on opposite sides of that old fence, have friendly chats but that’s it — or it will get painful.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My teenage daughter came home dragging a cute boy who looked vaguely familiar. No wonder. He turns out to be the grownup version of the red-haired brat who used to chase her down the street on his bike. I hadn’t seen him for a long time because he moved out of town with his parents.

“Good riddance” was my feeling back then. Now the brat is 16 and driving cars, heaven help us. He gave me that insolent smile I recall and said, “Bet you don’t remember me.“

I said, “Oh yes, I do — same hair and freckles and smart mouth.” He said boldly back that I sound exactly the same, too. Uh-oh. Now I’ve set myself up as the enemy, again.

My husband says that’s just going to cause more trouble. Help, please.

— Mean Ol’ Mom, Fort Whyte

Dear Mean Ol’ Mom: Next time this former bad boy comes by, shock him by apologizing.

Tell him, “I realize you’re a young man now and I’m sorry for being so rude the other day. I hope we can be friends now.”

At best, he’ll tentatively go for that offer. At least, he’ll stop feeling so defensive around you.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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