Get help to shift mind out of ‘hurried-love’ mode

Opinion

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My last girlfriend was in her mid-20s and hot-looking, with no stress other than her job. I failed her by being too quick on the sexual trigger.

Ever since she told me I was a “lousy lover for a musician” I totally lost my mojo, and am really at a loss. I’m in sales now — and still a part-time guitar player, in my late 30s. I’m divorced, no surprise. As a would-be “lover” back out in the singles world, I feel washed up. What else is there worth doing in life, besides love, sex and music?

How did I end up so miserable? When I was still married, my wife and I were so stressed that our lovemaking skills sailed right out the window. We were always looking for 15 minutes, when our colicky baby was asleep, to have some sex! But he was always crying and demanding more attention and feedings.

I ended up losing all my sexual control and timing skills. I’m still so afraid I’m going to get robbed of the satisfaction of an orgasm, and my body races to the end. Then I’m embarrassed because my partner is left hanging.

My recent girlfriend, who’s a bit younger and not as experienced, was looking to me in the beginning as someone who could teach her about love and sex. But now she sees as me as a mediocre lover with no endurance — so embarrassing. Help, please.

— Hopeless Forever? Winnipeg

Dear Hopeless: You can fix this difficulty and go on to have great sex once again, and for many decades, but you need to start at the root of the problem. In your mind you’re still back on the sexual racetrack where you had to go as fast as you could to get some sexual satisfaction with your wife. But your baby was hungry and howling, and needed your wife’s attention even more.

You couldn’t win, and neither could your wife! You both ended up unhappy and frustrated. Those days are long over. Still, your brain-and-body combo are stuck in that mode, saying: “You’d better hurry to have an orgasm, or you’ll be left hanging again!”

The good news? A psychologist could help you get past this way of thinking and feeling — and back to a more controlled pace with a sexual partner. You’ll no longer fear disappointing the woman in your bed, and you can relax enough to have a happy and successful experience yourself.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography