Put in time, effort to truly mend a grieving heart

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Love is a beautiful thing, and I had more than my fair share of it when my wife was alive. After she died, I was desperate to fill the big void she left. I quickly met another woman through my church, but, in her words, I was “too needy.” That really hurt. She pushed me away, saying she “couldn’t breathe.”

The next woman I met was a new widow herself, and she started clinging to me, hoping I’d replace her husband. She even accidentally called me by her husband’s name a few times. I was so embarrassed — both for her and for me. I had to say goodbye to her in a hurry.

Finally, I broke down and went to grief counselling, and slowly got my feet back on the ground. Now I can date people and be a more “normal” guy.

I’m writing to tell your readers not be stupid like I was. If you had fallen off a horse and broke your leg, you’d go to a doctor and get it examined, X-rayed, and set in a cast. Then you’d get good physiotherapy, and end up walking properly again. Finally, you could get back up on the horse and ride again!

It takes a long time and it’s exactly the same with losing your spouse. You have to get your broken heart fixed as best you can, before you can start looking for new love. Thanks for listening.

— Smartened Up, Manitoba

Dear Smartened Up: Once the funeral is over and the family goes away, it can be a scary, empty, almost “unreal” feeling. The house echoes and sometimes your own life doesn’t feel worthwhile.

It’s not surprising you tried to start dating too soon, after losing your beloved wife. Grief counselling finally let you express your feelings with a person who has chosen this field of work and is prepared to deal with tears, hurt, confusion and anger. Luckily, medical doctors, psychologists, clergy and relationship counsellors are well aware of those special people, and can point the way for people in need of their help. Good luck to you in this new stage of your life.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My ex-wife thinks she can dictate to me, and I just laugh in her face. She’s trying to do this by keeping the kids away from me. Frankly, it’s killing me.

Unfortunately, I rarely get to see my children now, as apparently I “glare” at my wife’s new younger boyfriend who’s always there. I probably do.

I really need to change this situation somehow, as it’s breaking my heart not to see my children. I’m tired of begging, and the kids often call me on the phone, wanting to “See Daddy!” I want to see them, too. Please help us see one another.

— Upset Father, St. Boniface

Dear Upset: You need to re-visit the legal agreement for visitation of your children with your lawyer. If you have a decent deal already — but it’s being ignored — you’ll need to point out the differences now, and re-work the agreement.

Is this a situation where your ex doesn’t want to see your face, except in dire circumstances? That can be arranged in way that you can still see the kids. You’ll need a new system to pick up and return the children that doesn’t include talking with your ex-wife at the door.

This is how it can work: In some cases, exes pull up and call the other parent on their cell, to simply say “I’m here,” and conduct any necessary short conversation about the kids. Then they get out and walk to the door to pick up the children.

Then you deliver them home in exactly the same way. It’s a chilly style of interacting, but just staying out of the house can make things go more smoothly for some estranged couples who share children.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.