Hardline response to maturing daughter will backfire

Opinion

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was half-asleep when I came in the house after an emergency shift at work. Then I heard some scuttling sounds upstairs, from my teenage daughter’s bedroom.

On a hunch, I ran to the kitchen at the back of the house, where I saw someone sneaking out on the attached-garage roof, and swinging down.

Guess who? Her new boyfriend — the little creep!

I roared like a lion for my daughter to come downstairs, but she locked her bedroom door instead. She yelled down, “I’ll talk to you, when you calm down!“ That’s how her mother talks to me, like I’m an untamed animal.

I immediately called my wife at work, and asked her to come home. When she arrived, we had a colossal argument. The upshot is my wife is defending her daughter having this boyfriend “sleep over” because our daughter is “on the pill, and they’re using condom back-up.”

What? I have to put up with this young guy in my 17-year-old daughter’s bed, in our home? I can’t support this! What can I do now?

— Frustrated Father, Tuxedo

Dear Frustrated Father: If you manage to overrule your wife, and forbid this boyfriend from coming into your house, he might never be seen again — unless he’s crazy-in-love with your daughter. Then he’ll park way down the street, and phone her. They’ll slip away to who knows where, possibly to go on dates that end up somewhere nice and private.

Your objections aren’t likely to stop the sex, since it’s already started — and forbidden sex has a special lure of its own. That’s why a lot of parents make sure their teen kid has birth control and allow sleepovers for steady partners. (That doesn’t mean Mom and Dad have to like it.)

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My current wife used to follow me and my band wherever we went. She was always dressed up, dancing, looking like a lot of fun. She could stay awake to all hours — great for a band member — and she loved sex. I thought I’d found heaven, and I married her.

Now everything’s changed. It’s like she won the big prize, and now she’s just bored. She doesn’t even come to my gigs anymore, and wives and girlfriends are always welcome. (My band is older — in their 30s and 40s.)

My wife and I aren’t having kids, because she doesn’t want any, and I already have a boy from my first marriage. She isn’t friendly to my young son, so I rarely see him now. The only thing she really loves is her 9-to-5 office job.

The thought of another divorce just makes me sick, but what we have now is not even a good friendship. She doesn’t come to gigs or wake up when I get home, and I’m still revved. She’s in bed early to sleep to get rest for work in the morning.

I wake up at noon to eat, practise new songs, make gig contacts, eat dinner and take off for my next job. And now, other women are looking at me again, as if they think I’m lonely. Well, I am! Where do I go from here?

— Lost in Every Way, St. James

Dear Lost: Your wife is bored now. You were her onstage prize for a time, but now that game is over, and your marriage isn’t a fun fit anymore. You’d best see a lawyer you two don’t share, to consider your options.

Just as importantly, get counselling around the kind of women you’re attracted to, and the important reasons you should be giving your heart to someone who’s more than a groupie and a physical attraction.

Then there’s that other love relationship in your life — the one that isn’t getting enough of your attention. Your son from marriage No. 1 no doubt wants to give you his love, and to feel it returned.

It’s time to start devoting your spare time and your primary love to this young fellow, so he knows and feels he actually has a supportive and loving father. You’ll get a lot of love back in a strong father-son relationship, and it won’t fade over a lifetime if you nurture it.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.