Reach out for help to cope with volatile mom

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This article was published 06/06/2025 (425 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: When my mother screamed at me like a crazy woman for the 100th time, I packed my suitcase and went down the block to live with my grandmother, who right away took me in to live with her and admitted what I knew all along — that my mother has deep mental-health problems that are just getting scarier.

I’m 18, but my mom says she will force me to come home. I said I won’t come back, no matter what she says or does to me. She says terrible, degrading things to make me feel like I’m nothing.

My dad left us because of mom’s craziness, but he should have taken me with him.

At least now he has agreed to let me stay with him to give my grandma a break, and I have found a minimum-wage job to help him pay for things.

But my mom says she’s getting a lawyer to force me to come home “or else.” Dad and I don’t want to think about that. Help me please.

— Scary Situation, Winnipeg

Dear Scary Situation: This is the time to act, as you need real protection from your mother. At 18 years of age, you’re legally considered an adult in Canada, but since your mother is unstable and angry, she might still come after you if you’re living alone or with friends.

You would be much safer staying with your dad and getting a protection order to legally keep mom away from you for now.

You really need legal advice ASAP. You might ask your dad to help you get a lawyer, and if that’s not affordable for him, check out Legal Aid Manitoba (legalaid.mb.ca).

As for personal counselling, see your physician and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist (visits are covered by provincial health) to help you undo the emotional harm your mother has no doubt caused you by now.

There may be a waiting list, but it’s worth it to get in line for wise psychological counsel and medication, if needed.

Be totally honest with your medical doctor about what your mother has said and done to you, and how you are feeling, and ask for a referral.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Three weeks ago I was in bed at the lake supposedly asleep, but actually listening to my adoptive mother talking to her sister about my birth mother’s situation. She was a young teenager when she got pregnant, which kind of shocked me. They seemed to know nothing about my biological father.

I’m 18 years old now and learned I was brought into this world by a pregnant teenage mother in Eastern Canada. The condition of the adoption from this end was that there would be no interaction with my birth mother, ever.

Well, now my birth mother is sure making herself known. The news arrived in an old-fashioned letter from her, with a current photo of herself and some details about her life and how she wants to meet me.

She looks very much like me, and I can think of nothing else now. I want to meet my biological mother and look in her face and ask some important questions. And I want to at least see one picture of my biological father.

My birth mother says she’s coming here this summer and wants to meet me. I’m so excited. I want to meet her, too, even if it’s just once. What do you think?

— Baby X, Winnipeg

Dear Baby X: First, you are much more than “Baby X.” You were a special child, given up by a teenager to someone who could love you and take care of you.

Your adoptive mom and dad were able to provide everything needed and were loving parents, but despite the arrangement, it’s just natural your birth mother is curious and has dreamed of meeting you one day.

You’re grown up now and she’s not looking to come and take you away. It’s more likely she wants to say she’s sorry she couldn’t take care of you.

Of course, this type of development can terrify the loving woman who brought you up and was the reason she was whispering to her sister so you wouldn’t hear.

There’s no chance you can be denied contact with your biological mother, especially since you’re of legal age.

Don’t get into conflict mode with your adoptive mother over this. Be kind leading up to the meeting. Your adoptive mother needs lots of reassurance of your love to help get her out of panic mode. Then she’ll start to soften.

Just realize she loves you deeply and that she’s scared stiff right now and needs comfort — certainly not conflict.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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