Caring bond can endure faded marriage’s end

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife is the child of a violent marriage and she witnessed some terrible scenes. I promised her I would never roar at her or hurt her in any way. After many months she agreed to take a chance with me, and we got married.

Things were pretty good at first. She liked kissing and caressing, but she was never fond of intercourse, as it seemed “a bit violent” to her, but she put up with it for me.

I adored her and for years treated her like the gentle flower she is. When we had problems, she would write me a note saying, “We need to talk, but lovingly.” She was still terrified of having a violent incident with a man.

Sadly, I had to seek exciting sex elsewhere. I’m sure she has found out I have a secret sex life when I’m out of town for business. Recently, she has totally withdrawn from me. Shame on me, but I have needs.

Then this week I came home from a trip and she had converted her sewing room into a very feminine bedroom with a pink canopied bed. She said it was going to be her private bedroom for having company over.

She’s not kidding. She now has a new female friend. I suspect it’s probably a crush, but not much more. I do still love my wife, but more as a friend and someone I want to protect.

But now what? I’m at the end of my energy for this non-marriage, but still want to look after her.

Money is not an issue on my side, as I do quite well. She has a boring but steady job. Please advise — we’re at a crossroads.

— Lonely Husband, Birds Hill

Dear Lonely Husband: You need to be liberated from this marriage, but you also need to know you haven’t abandoned this wounded woman you still care about deeply.

If she has found a trustworthy intimate partner in this new female friend, or another one down the road, it could be good for everybody. It will certainly ease your guilt and any sadness in her about you having to move on.

See a lawyer and look at some financial scenarios that might work. You might find yourself wanting to embrace some kind of financial protection of your future ex-wife, and maintain a lifelong friendship.

However, she might surprise you and just move on and want to support herself.

Working is not a problem for her, but she does need psychological support, and you could offer to help her get the best.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was nervous about being asked to my new man’s three-generational family picnic so I ended up scarfing down all the delicious foods his family made. Then I threw it right back up beside me at the end of the picnic table.

I asked my new guy to take me home right away. Once there, I called my best friend — a nurse — and she asked if anybody else threw up at the picnic and if they were eating the same things I did. I phoned my boyfriend and he checked, but nobody but me tossed their cookies.

I just couldn’t hold down the many salads, corn on the cob, cheeseburgers, hot dogs, chocolate cake and ice cream because I was so nervous about impressing the group. It was my first time meeting my new guy’s family.

Now I’m feeling too embarrassed to see them again, and he is a family-oriented guy. Should I call his mother and apologize?

— So Embarrassed, Whyte Ridge

Dear Embarrassed: It’s not necessary to phone your new guy’s mother and possibly get into an awkward discussion over what food may have turned your stomach. But next time you see her and there’s eating involved, smile and quietly assure her you’re feeling steadier and calmer, and will be eating slower pace.

That way it just sounds like you ate a little too enthusiastically at the last party, and there was no one to blame but yourself.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.