The ring is not really the thing between you

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Christmas is approaching again and this time I’m demanding my diamond engagement ring. I moved to Canada to be with my man, and when we moved in together, he promised me a ring for Christmas — and then it didn’t happen. I got a cheap coat instead.

Now, he has promised me an expensive trip home to visit my family overseas during the holidays instead of an engagement ring to get me off his back.

Sometimes I think I just want to go home to my family and stay there. I’m feeling so hurt and frustrated. Last night I asked him how he would feel if we both bought each other engagement rings — and he laughed in my face saying, “What’s the rush?”

— At Wits’ End, Garden City

Dear Wits’ End: It would be a colossal waste of your money to buy him an engagement ring. This guy does not value you, and he’s not going to magically fall in love with you. You’ve even tried living together and it sounds like that’s been tough. Don’t be so desperate — and certainly don’t try to buy his love with a diamond ring if he is incapable of doing that for you.

Instead, accept his gift of a trip to go home without him. Go see your family and friends, and pay attention to how you feel while there. You may sense some levity or happiness you didn’t realize you were still capable of feeling.

Regardless of where you choose to live, you need a man who loves and understands you. It doesn’t hurt to have the love and support of all your family and friends as well.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband has been working in our garage, adding insulation into the old walls so he can have a “special office” for himself during the winter. (We’ve been parking our vehicles on the street — big SUVs.)

Last Sunday, he had to take off in a hurry. Trouble at work, he said. So, I went out to have a peek at his new “office” and noticed his computer was unlocked and beckoning.

I went over and had a closer look, and there was a message from a woman left open. She was insisting my husband meet her ASAP, as her husband was onto her affair with him.

I was in shock.

I decided to see how long this had been going on and went through his older emails.

I just kept on reading through their correspondence, and some messages even had pictures.

It became clear from reading their exchanges that he was bored and unhappy with our family, but mostly me. When he came home, I came at him like a thunderstorm.

My husband and I are barely speaking now, but we need to somehow salvage things, for the kids’ sake at least.

What do you suggest? How does counselling work when a relationship comes apart like this?

— Deeply Upset, West Kildonan

Dear Deeply Upset: Does your husband want to save the marriage? Do you want to save the marriage? Is he remorseful or unapologetic? It might be difficult to save a relationship with someone who is openly hostile toward it.

As far as marriage counsellors go, they will often see a couple together first and then individually, so they can tell their side of the story fully without interruption or having to change or hold back on the extremely hurtful parts. Once the story is all out, they may begin again and start working on various issues, especially if both parties want to save the relationship.

If one of you is totally finished with the other, the one left behind may opt for more sessions to help bind the emotional wounds. They may opt for that same initial counsellor, or look for a new one.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.