Not all marriages play by the same rules

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I spotted an old lover at an annual Halloween bash, and he was in a full pirate costume. I recognized him right off the bat because the pirate thing is an act he’s been pulling off for years — and succeeding to the max with me, I must admit.

I was dressed as a sexy black cat to catch his eye. I waited for him to make his move. He likes to sneak up on me at parties and growl in my ear. It’s predictable, but still a turn-on.

His wife couldn’t make the party, as usual, so he came on his own in his van. It’s the way he travels best — a sneaky guy with a bedroom on wheels so he can make a quick getaway when he’s ready.

Why doesn’t this pirate leave his boring wife for someone like me, who could match his fire?

I finally asked him this year while we were in the van. He replied, “My wife has nights off this marriage, too. I don’t ask her about them, and she doesn’t ask me about this.”

I just don’t get his weird marriage. Explain it to me, please.

— Curious Cat, Fort Garry

Dear Confused: He and his wife must have an “arrangement.” That doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. It’s just a different way of being married that suits them. They may not have a very passionate sex life anymore, and also may not feel a lot of jealousy.

It could also be they were both wild when they were younger, and now they still allow each other a bit of leeway to express that wild side, especially in costume on a Halloween night.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My new man has an identical twin brother who lives elsewhere, and I have been fantasizing about making love with both of them. I finally confessed this to my guy when we were out for dinner recently, and he said angrily, “You wouldn’t be the first woman to tell me that, but I hope you will be the last.” Then he handed me $20 and told me to take a cab home.

He was so mad he just took off in his truck. Why does he have such a poor sense of humour? I was just teasing him.

— Humour Not Welcome? North Kildonan

Dear Not Welcome: Who are you trying to kid? You’re turned on by the idea of two men who look alike and are brothers making love to you. It’s an old fantasy some people have about twin brothers or sisters, and it makes this poor guy feel sick.

How would you like some guy you were dating telling you he would like to have sex with you and your sister at the same time? It’s a disgusting suggestion and you shouldn’t be a bit surprised he told you to go home in a cab by yourself. It was more than decent of him to give you the cab fare.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I confessed to my serious boyfriend that I want six children, and his face went white. He said very quietly, “Two is enough in this world.”

I can’t get him back on the topic and I want to discuss it with him because we have been talking about getting engaged this Christmas. What do you think?

— Wannabe Mom, The Maples

Dear Wannabe: You may not be a good couple after all. Put the engagement talks on hold for now as you two have a lot of talking to do about your different hopes for a family and future.

That poor man would be worn to the bone in today’s economy trying to support six kids and their mother. And you certainly wouldn’t have much time for a career to help him out.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.