Need to go deeper to make a real connection

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I look like a giant with my height and weight, and some women really like that. I recently met a very tall, shapely woman, and was instantly attracted, so I asked her out.

On our date, she shocked me by saying that if we had children they would be seven-foot monsters. I had no words back and went silent. I know she said it looking for a we’re-in-the-same-club laugh, but it hurt. In fact, I felt so deflated that continuing with the date was useless.

I turned around and drove her home in silence, went around and opened her car door, and said, “Goodbye.” She grabbed the door to close it again, and said, “I was just joking.”

I said, “Poor choice of joke,” and that was it. She got out and left. What should I have done — taken that insult as a joke? It was not funny to me.

— Sensitive Giant, Headingley

Dear Sensitive: The “monster children” reference would not rate as a funny joke for just anybody. Your date meant it as an in-joke between two very tall people, but it turned out to be an insensitive and insulting remark for you.

When people date each other because of a shared physical attribute — such as great height, long legs, large breasts or even a cute turned-up nose — it can overlook the importance of personality. Instead, it’s making it all about looks.

It’s likely this woman has a complicated image of herself after years of being teased with rude jokes like “How’s the weather up there?” and she wanted to show she could be funny about it with you.

It’s time to go a little deeper with everybody you date — looking at common interests at the outset, instead of focusing on obvious outward appearance.

Consider delving further into your own interests in life and joining groups both online and in-person to connect with like-minded people. Then you’ll have lots to talk about right off the top, and a better chance of finding a partner who is a real match in many ways — rather than just stature.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My sister and I had a terrible fight where we screamed out each other’s worst attributes, and we know all of them. (We’re only 11 months apart in age.)

I really hurt her and she hurt me, too. We’ve hardly spoken since and it makes things very tense at home.

My mom has even been crying at times over it. She even keeps asking my dad why we can’t apologize and make up. It’s not that easy. What can you do when the insults were so terrible you just can’t get over it?

— Older Sister, southwestern Manitoba

Dear Older Sister: Your parents need to take this fight out of your family and to a counsellor who will help you two siblings talk it out — separately at first so you can say everything freely, and then both of you together. A counsellor from school or someone from a place of worship — a person you girls both trust — could be the mediator.

With trained help, you can work out a carefully worded back-and-forth-style apology the counsellor helps you compose and checks for possible issues or misunderstandings. This can help mend a badly torn relationship. You might even make a pact in the end (a mutual promise) never to hurt each other again like that.

Through this process, you will also learn which adults you two can go to for help if you are ever in danger of seriously fighting again.

Please send your questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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