Likely game over with hubby scapegoating sex toy

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: : I just about leapt out of my skin recently. My husband came into the living room holding my personal pleasure toy, yelling, “Say hello to your little buddy!”

Then he tossed it at me, and walked out of the house, slamming the door behind him.

I was so embarrassed. But hey, a woman needs some extra excitement too. I’ve tried everything to spice up our 25-year marriage. For instance, I’ve tried to introduce friends’ suggestions for sex toys into our mutual love life, but I was shot down every time.

At this point, we haven’t had sex for six months. After too long feeling unsatisfied, I purchased a sex toy just for myself. Now, I get the pleasure I deserve, even if it’s from a little machine.

You could even say it’s kept our marriage together, because I’ve had no physical need to cheat since I bought the toy. But my husband won’t talk to me now, and has taken to sleeping in the guest room.

What did I do that was so wrong? One of the last things he yelled at me, was that I “cheated on him” by using that toy. Really? He’s jealous of a toy?

I don’t know what to do, or if I even want to fix this sexless marriage. Our kids are up and gone, and I have a career I love. What is a marriage, when respect is gone on both sides? I desperately need a relationship with love and sensual excitement.

— One Foot Out the Door, North Kildonan

Dear One Foot: This fight was about much more than your husband finding your sex toy. Yes, you desire sexual pleasure, and that’s normal. But your husband has basically been missing-in-action in the marriage for a very long time.

Your husband knows what’s going on for him. His sexual dysfunction may be physical, or perhaps he has just lost sexual feelings for you. It could also be he’s getting all the sexual attentions he needs from a person on the side.

Since discovering your sex toy, he’s been forced to face the fact you definitely don’t need him anymore. He feels less guilty, and that frees him up to be angry, blame everything on you. That sex toy has given him a way to possibly end things and somehow make it your fault.

It’s time to end this farce and see a lawyer you don’t share with your husband.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m nearly single again, with two major relationships down the drain and one more circling it right now. The first was a teenage marriage because of my girlfriend’s pregnancy. It lasted only two years, but it produced a wonderful child.

The second was a mess from the beginning. I fell in love with my female boss, and she left her husband for me. She went back to him two years later, because she realized she loved his money and his lifestyle more than she loved me. I loved her passionately, and I still hurt over that split.

My latest relationship — a “stop-the-bleeding” move — has left me in more trouble. I don’t love this woman and stumble over the words trying to reply to her constant “I love you” declarations.

She’s eight years younger than me. I was desperate for companionship when she started chasing me. My weakness? I can’t bear to be broken up and alone anymore. I seem to be getting sick all the time with different things that magically clear up after I leave the doctor’s office. How do I get the serious help I need for my head and heart?

— Living the Lie, Osborne Village

Dear Living the Lie: You need to fall in love, or at least “in like,” with yourself. That’s how to stop this merry-go-round and finally find a stable, loving relationship. So you need to take yourself in for some psychological repairs. See your physician and be honest about what’s really making you feel sick regarding your many different complaints. Ask for help in finding counselling help for your emotions and your thinking process.

Psychiatrists are covered by provincial health and they can also prescribe necessary medication, but wait lists can be long. Psychologists aren’t cheap, but your workplace might have an insurance plan that would pay for it. Places of worship often offer counselling, but you should have an honest tie-in with them.

Keep looking with the help of your physician until you find someone to provide you with the help you now realize you need.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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