Some emotional heavy lifting could firm up bond

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband is in love with himself since he started lifting weights. I winced when I saw him admiring his arms as he was working out in front of the mirrors he put up in our basement specifically for that purpose. I finally told him felt.

He just said, “Well I can fix that.” He used it as his excuse to sign up at a co-ed gym. Now he’s there three or four times a week and says he “loves it.” He’s already bought new shirts to show off his more-developed arms and muscled back. What a joke!

I recently caught him posing in front of the full-length mirror in our bedroom. I laughed out loud, so he turned around and said, “Why don’t you consider getting in shape? You used to have a great body.”

The gloves were off! I said, “I gave birth to three children for the both of us. What did you contribute, besides the obvious?” He didn’t answer. Now we’re hardly talking. Let it be known I’m not joining his stupid gym or a weight-loss group to please “Mr. Universe.”

We’re still sleeping together, but the operational word is “sleeping.” I go to bed first, and he crawls in once he thinks I’m sleeping. I know we’re in trouble. We used to be so good together, and now we’re stone-cold with each other.

— Trouble, Assiniboia

Dear Trouble: A lot of fake sleeping tends to happen once couples trade insults about their bodies. Now your husband has described your body as out of shape, and you have mocked him for his posing in front of the mirror. All intimate communication has stopped.

There may be bigger issues below the surface. You mocked your husband’s attempt to become more attractive to you. Was he possibly trying to jump-start your sex life after the births of your kids and working out to be hotter looking for you?

Look, you two got married because you were so good together. What else is going on? You may need help to dig up that information. Most marriage counsellors are there to help you remember the reasons you fell in love. They also try to help you forgive the mistakes you’ve made and work on building a stronger marriage.

It’s worth a try, for both of you, and for the sake of your three kids. That’s five reasons to get help right there!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My former lover I met working at an exciting startup company moved away two years ago, for what she said was a much bigger job and more money. Now she’s suddenly back in Winnipeg at a different company, and she called to ask me to go for drinks. Like the fool I am, I went.

I don’t really believe her story about why she left the big job to come back here. She always had a dicey relationship with the truth. Also, when she is about to be cruel, she starts rubbing her thumb, and she was doing just that when I met her for drinks.

It took me a long time to get over this woman, and I just don’t need the aggravation of having her back in town. She seems to get enjoyment from hurting people who care for her.

However, I still don’t have a replacement for her, and I’m so lonely. She’s even more attractive than when she lived here before.

— Won’t Be Her Fool Again, Exchange District

Dear Won’t Be Her Fool: There are some people whose surface charm is absolutely deadly. Plus, they know exactly who to go after when they’re in a pinch — as in feeling lonely after a move back home.

Beware! People who can manipulate others are smart enough to behave well for a while, and then pull their same tricks again when the timing is right for them.

You’ve had your one “sweet” date with this woman, to get things moving. You may have another, since she may not have connected with many friends here yet. But when she has someone new on the hook, you’ll be in her sights for more pain. Why? Because a person with sadistic tendencies finds real pleasure in exercising that kind of power.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography