Buddies looking for vicarious thrills need to chill

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Here comes Valentine’s Day and I’ve been trying to date around since my marriage ended just over a year ago. But I haven’t asked any babes to join me for any Feb. 14 celebrations, not even for drinks.

As a married guy, I hated the Valentine’s Day nonsense when I was expected to ask my wife out and we didn’t even want to touch each other anymore. Now I would love a wild night with a new girlfriend, but no women have asked me out either.

I’m going to feel like a loser if I stay home, hiding out watching sports on TV all weekend.

My married buddies are jealous, thinking I have somebody hot lined up that I won’t tell them about, and they’ll definitely prod and tease me next time we meet.

So here I am — sex-starved with no prospect of a hot date. Should I just make up some tale for the guys?

— Lonely Heart, St. Boniface

Dear Lonely: If you make something up for the guys after some second-hand kicks, start off sounding sincere but end up telling such an absurd story they realize you’re joking and everybody has a laugh.

People’s real sex lives — whether they’re single, married, dating, engaged or divorced — should be nobody else’s business. If the guys ask, you have every right to tell a tale that ends up so obviously made-up and ridiculous they learn not to push you again.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Can our ancestors see us from above? If so, it’s embarrassing. We haven’t improved at all as human beings, although we can build higher and higher.

I lie in bed many nights worrying about this kind of stuff. My husband says I’m crazy, rolls over and tries to sleep. If I can’t stop thinking out loud and asking questions, he takes his pillow and goes into the spare bedroom to sleep alone. There’s no doubt in my mind, I am the most intelligent one here.

I just hope we never uncover a civilization that was as advanced as ours and crumbled into dust and ashes. Some people argue that many unknown advanced civilizations are buried way beneath us already. Horrors. My husband groans when I talk like this.

I’ve never understood why people criticize me. Am I just married to the wrong person or would I bore everybody?

— Deep Thinker, Selkirk

Dear Deep Thinker: Your husband may come to the same “questioning everything about existence” place at some time in the future. But he’s not there yet and it’s time you accepted that.

You can bet your frequent agonizing over deep questions when he’s not interested is turning him off.

But look at this positively — he’s a guy who’s lucky enough not to ruminate, and especially at bedtime. He may just feel happily amazed when he looks up at the beautiful night sky and accept the “gift” of his life on Earth. Why be negative with him?

As for your private research, enjoy it. Hit the library and read what other people who are curious about our existence and future on Earth have thought out. You might really enjoy some university courses that delve into these big topics, as well as getting to know the other people who take them.

Please send your questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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