Line up counselling help before you leave family

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’ve had it. My unemployed husband and my lazy son, who is in his first year of university, stay in bed while I go to work at the hospital for the day. Half the time my son doesn’t even get up to make it to his morning classes.

Today, I finally lost it and tipped my son’s mattress so he fell out on the floor. Then I yelled at him and handed him a list of undone chores to be completed by the time I got home.

As for my husband, he and I had it out last night about him not even looking for a job. He said he was depressed. I said, “Boo-hoo. It’s time to man up.”

I was not always like this. I used to be a really nice person — a loving wife and mother. But now I feel so used and abused, I just can’t take it anymore. While it’s true I make good money, that doesn’t excuse the two of them from pulling their weight.

All I do is work all day and evening with no rest and no socializing. I can’t remember when I last had a holiday. I can’t starve my husband and son to death, so I buy the food and I also pay all the rest of the bills, but I’ve had it.

I’m actually thinking of moving in with my sister to save my sanity and leaving “the boys” behind. She says it seems like I’m really losing it. She’s offered me a place to live in the suite above her garage and I’m tempted.

What do you think? Would that make me a terrible person?

— Feeling Angry and Guilty, River Heights

Dear Angry and Guilty: You’re at the breaking point with your husband, and you’re also losing it with your son. All three of you need to get help with an experienced counsellor/referee, so talk to your family doctor about lining up the three of you for emergency family counselling.

Don’t run off to your sister’s too soon. Counselling is much easier to do when you’re living under the same roof than after you’ve stopped talking, and actually moved out. Then it may be impossible — so you don’t want to lose total contact.

In this situation, taking off is too harsh for you, your husband and son.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I fell in love with a speaker at a conference I attended recently. I can see him online anytime, so I look him up every day.

I talked to him after his speech at the conference, and he seemed to really like me back — as in “personally.” But after the conference I messaged him several times, and he hasn’t messaged me back.

I have done some investigating, and I don’t think he’s married. Is it possible to fall hook, line and sinker with someone you saw speaking? He seemed to be baring his soul, and no other guy has ever done that before in front of me.

At times he was looking right at me and into my eyes. You can’t ignore it, once you feel that penetrating look coming at you.

What can I do now? I want to connect with him so badly.

— Always on My Mind, Norwood

Dear Always: Effective speakers often look right at certain people in the audience to make contact and get their reaction. It feeds their energy and helps them to know if they’re hitting their points with people.

Some speakers even walk down close to the front rows and get more personally engaged, especially if there’s a question period at the end. It’s part of the interaction game, but it’s not personal.

So don’t message him anymore. It’s also time to stop yourself from reading more of his material and watching his videos. It will only make you feel sad, and you need to let this experience go.

Please send your questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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