Arranged marriage stings a world away

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I had a beautiful relationship with a foreign student and fell deeply in love with him. Then he went home last month — just like that.

He left his life here, where he earned his degrees, and went back home to marry the wife chosen for him by his family!

That’s what is killing me. I am the un-chosen and am in pieces over this because I know I’m the one he really loved. I could feel it from my head to my toes! People told me early on this could happen, but I didn’t believe it. He treated me like gold from the time I met him.

I guess I was the last bit of “free love” he got before he went home to work for a lifetime in the family business. Before he left, I finally asked him if he loved his chosen wife-to-be.

He hesitated a long while, and then he said, “Yes, I do. I have known her all my life and knew we would be together in the end.” That broke my heart!

I just don’t understand. He seemed to love me so deeply and passionately. Why did he treat me like I was the queen of his universe, and then leave me to go back home to a woman picked out for him to join up two families in business?

— Heartbroken, Winnipeg

Dear Heartbroken: This man probably had little choice in his culture. But he should have warned that your relationship would have to be temporary — now matter how much he cared or how much the relationship kept growing.

Like many other young people, he was probably sent here for an international education he could bring home to help expand the family concerns, internationally.

He was given a lot of personal freedom as a young man far away from home. But he was fully expected to come home to marry the young woman he was “promised to” years ago.

If he chose to stay in North America to work or to follow his heart, he’d likely lose everything he knows back home and be cut off from his family.

Although it hurts you badly now, try not to be bitter. This young man may miss you for a very long time and have to choke it down and keep it to himself. He probably wishes you all the best life can give you, and that you find someone to love and appreciate you.

The sad part is he didn’t warn you of this impermanent situation, although may have hoped you guessed as much, and chose to be with him anyway.

When you start to mend from this heartbreak, try to identify the important characteristics of this man you loved and look for them in another person.

You may be able to find a man who shares his greatest traits. Just don’t make the mistake of looking for his complete opposite, out of spite!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I (usually a nice guy) have turned into a big grouch because of my wife’s snoring. She doesn’t know how bad it is, because she can’t hear it — except the very tail end when a particularly big snort even wakes her up.

She didn’t have this snoring problem before she gained a lot of extra weight with a pregnancy. I said nothing, as she was doing the job of carrying our baby boy for us.

How can I force her to face the fact she’s a snoring freight train that could destroy our marriage, given much more time? I’m totally sleep-deprived, and we have no sexual feelings left for each other in this state of weariness.

My wife’s mother stayed over to help with the baby for a while, and she even said her precious daughter has a problem! What can I do?

— Sleep-Deprived, St. Norbert

Dear Sleep-Deprived: Instead of fighting, it’s time to ask the family doctor to refer your wife to an ENT — an ear, nose and throat specialist — or otolaryngologist. That way you can get some real help, and hopefully stop being angry with each other.

The possible underlying causes could involve the tonsils and throat. Specialized dentists can help in some cases, too.

Whatever the cause, you and your wife should hand the whole mystery over to specialists and their treatments, so you can stop being so annoyed with one another. That baby of yours can feel the tension and may get scared. He really needs settled parents, so everybody can be happy.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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