‘Sorry’ just won’t atone for tactless ‘tank’ talk

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I didn’t know my wife was in the house when I was talking to my brother on the phone about her new bathing suit “which makes her look like a tank.”

She walked up behind me while I was on the phone and said loudly, “I guess you won’t want to be having sex with a tank at the lake then!” No amount of apologizing is getting me past this one, it seems.

The temperature is rather frosty in our bedroom, and we leave for the lake in two weeks. Should I invite her to criticize my imperfect body? I don’t want to do that, or I’ll never be able to sleep with her again. Please help!

— Big Mouth, East Kildonan

Dear Big Mouth: What can you do when apologizing just isn’t working? First, stop apologizing! It just brings up the issue again and again, and your wife already knows you’re sorry.

Secondly, don’t buy her any expensive gifts, as people will sometimes happily accept them, knowing you’re trying to buy them off, but there’s still no forgiveness.

There’s a lot to dig into with regard to the “tank” insult. You’ll need an excellent referee to get you both through this big gaffe and back into a warm and loving mood.

You’d be best to see a relationship counsellor alone first to talk it out. Then gift your wife a session on her own, and finally go together and work on hammering things out. Good luck!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wonderful new wife has retained a friendship with her ex-husband who is now “out” as a gay man and has a new partner.

The guys come over fairly regularly for dinners and cards. My wife says she loves her ex, “but more like a brother,” and that’s OK with me.

The trouble is, her ex-husband sometimes slips and calls her “dear” and “sweetie,” like they were still together, and it drives me nuts! How do I stop him from doing this? She’s not “his” anything anymore. Help!

— Seriously Annoyed, West End

Dear Annoyed: Next time her ex-husband calls her “sweetie” look at him and say, “She’s not your sweetie anymore! But that could be your new partner’s pet name if he’ll let you use it.”

It’s a habit that needs to be changed ASAP, and no doubt his new partner would like this to happen, as well.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I need to talk about snooping — my snooping.

When I was staying at my new girlfriend’s place for the weekend and she was sleeping in, I had a little look at her books, magazines and photo albums.

The thing is, we come from the same big rural community and know many people in common. For me, there was one upsetting photo — of my girlfriend’s arms around a cousin of mine who’s a jerk! I had a big fight with him years ago over something he stole from me, and don’t speak to him anymore.

She came into the room very quietly and saw me looking at the photo. I told her I was looking at my cousin’s ugly face. She said, “You had no business looking in my private album without my permission!” What? I really don’t care if she dated my cousin, who I don’t like. I just had to get over the shock. So why is my girlfriend not talking to me now?

— Want Her Back, North End

Dear Want Her Back: When you first start dating someone, you have to extend a little trust. But that trust can be jerked back quickly if you show any sign of not deserving it. You had very little time together with this woman to build trust, and now you’ve had words and there’s a big trust issue. You’d be best to say bye-bye, and consider this short romance a learning experience.

Send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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