Three could prove an awkward crowd

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My girlfriend and I — two women in our late 20s — are finally getting married.

Previously, we were both living with guys and it didn’t ever work for us. She thinks marriage itself was not her problem, but that guys are basically not suited to “loving” in the special ways two women can love.

So, here I am getting ready to give marriage another go — but with her! She’s a woman who’s a wonderful chef, decorator and a mother of two from her previous marriage. The problem we have as partners? I don’t care for the domestic arts myself — but I’d still like to have a child of my own.

That brings up another issue. I also have a male friend who’d be happy to get me pregnant — an old pal of mine who is a bachelor and would like to be a father and continue being platonic friends with me. He’d also help support the child financially.

Unfortunately, this whole idea makes my fiancée jealous and upset. She’s afraid the father and I will develop such a deep bond that I might fall in love with him.

What do you suggest for straightening out this mess?

— Complications Everywhere, Maples

Dear Complications: If only “friendships” could just stay friendships — but emotions can often arise from sexual contact and complicate everything. Have you considered skipping the pregnancy experience and adopting a child? That could satisfy your need, without calling in a male friend to impregnate you.

Does a child have to be biologically yours to satisfy the need in you? If not, this is a possible solution.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My girlfriend wants to be a comedian, but she’s not funny enough yet to wow a crowd. She doesn’t write her own jokes but instead steals funny stories and jokes from people online. Sadly, they don’t sound natural coming from her when she tells them.

Her own comedy writing is not bad at all, but she’s too chicken to test it out on audiences — so she tries everything out on me! I don’t dare let on that her stuff is not funny enough yet, or it might crush her — although she’s not about to give up yet!

So where do we go from here?

— Almost Funny Girl, East Kildonan

Dear Almost Funny Girl: You may not be a comedian yourself, but you could certainly be a great help as a researcher for your mate. Bring home books by stand-up comedians of all eras for your woman. That means going all out!

Hit all the second-hand shops and library shelves and help your partner identify her best styles of comedy. Also seek out online videos of funny comedians you think would interest her.

Also, take her out to see as many comedians as you can, and encourage your girlfriend to practise on you, whenever funny jokes and situations come to her, day and night.

Yes, even when you’re in bed with her, and laughing is may particularly what you want to be doing!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My girlfriend, who was brought up very religiously, swears like a sailor in her dreams. I am shocked at the words that come out once she’s asleep — not the tame “hell” or “damn” stuff either!

I don’t want to drive her back into her religious closet, but the sleep-swearing is getting on my nerves. Does she need to see a shrink?

— Potty Mouth, Exchange District

Dear Potty Mouth: It could certainly help your mate to talk to a psychologist or psychiatrist about the whole situation — where it springs from and how to stop her the naughty night-time recitals.

It’s likely she had to repress urges to swear when she was a kid or suffer real punishment, so now that she’s older she can at least have fun cursing in her dreams.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.