Bisexual betrayal not a mix-up

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This article was published 31/03/2016 (3519 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Three long days and nights ago my wife of almost 22 years walked out on me because she found out I have a secret boyfriend. I only see him a few times a year, but sometimes I have a strong appetite for a man. If I don’t satisfy it, I’m distracted by the need and can’t think of anything else, and that can go on for weeks! So, I go visit my friend, and he is a delightful lover — very funny, lovable and free. He is not a male prostitute and there is no danger of disease, as he has a long-term partner and sees only me outside his relationship.

I don’t put anything in writing on the computer — we just talk on the phone. My wife picked up the phone to use it (we still have a land line) and heard us making our last date. She followed me in her car. When I came out of my friend’s house she was waiting for me. It was a terrible scene!

She’s staying with a friend now and says she can’t speak to me yet because she would scratch my eyes out. I have never heard her talking crazy like that before. (Our kids have left home, thank God). I keep telling her she’s the only one I love and she says she gave up a “perfectly hetero” guy who wanted her badly to be with me, and he even offered to have an affair with her, which she refused. Today she said she was going to call this guy. That really hurt.

This is such a horrible mix-up I don’t know which way to turn. What do you suggest?

— Sick to My Stomach, Westwood

Dear Sick to my Stomach: This is not a “mix-up.” She was true to you, forsaking all others, including a guy who really wanted her, but you kept silent and betrayed her several times a year with someone else, and with a man at that. You never told her you were bisexual. To her, that was a double betrayal. The man she thought was straight was lying by omission. She didn’t get to make a choice; the information was kept from her.

She may calm down, or she may not. Be prudent and stay away right now. See your lawyer and and an accountant you don’t share with your wife as this may be the end of your marriage. Stop contacting her and begging. Once she calls — and she will, if only to vent some more — don’t engage. Suggest relationship counselling, even if it only ends up resulting in a kinder end to the relationship.

I’m guessing she may give that former offer with the other man some consideration now, and she may enjoy it, or not. Even if she doesn’t, that doesn’t mean she’ll come back to you. She is probably thinking: “How could you promise to go straight now, when bisexuality is the truth of your life?” And, think about it: how could you change your spots, particularly after establishing a bisexual lifestyle? It’s hard to imagine you being able to change that.

So where does that leave both of you? Without a marriage, unless she wants to turn a blind eye to your escapades, or you work out rules to have an open relationship that allows her to have boyfriends. How deep is your love? How much hurt can you two put up with? Those are important questions.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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