‘Confirmed bachelor’ should enjoy his freedom

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This article was published 28/12/2018 (2815 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m 34 years old and I like to be single and free. I’d say I’m a classic bachelor. But I’m a bit more than that. I don’t do dates and relationships either. Until now, I haven’t even had one girlfriend. Not because I like to be free and single. There was nobody to make me think about the advantages or disadvantages of being single or attached. I have never thought to date someone.

Years ago, my family arranged a date for me. I went to a coffee shop with the girl. Five minutes later, I forgot her name. To be polite, I asked a few questions, but I didn’t care about the answers and we parted 20 minutes later. That’s the closest thing to a date I’ve had all my life.

More than being a life choice, it is my character that makes me lonely. For now, it’s not a big problem, but when I’m older, I am sure it will be different. But I can’t help myself. I can’t feel anything towards any girl — it just isn’t there.

Even if I see this as a problem, it’s not something that I can change. You can change some things about yourself, but you can’t make yourself love someone. It is weird, but the advice I’d like is how to feel. I don’t know how else I can explain myself.

— Classic Bachelor, Winnipeg

Dear Bachelor: If this non-dating situation is not a problem to you, then it’s not a problem. Think about that and let it sink in. Feel your absolute freedom and enjoy it. You can enjoy hobbies and have no one resent the time you spend on them. You can travel, live where you want or change careers without upsetting a family. Accept this as your unique path in life and embrace it. You have a lot of time and energy to devote to other things that really interest you.

Loneliness may be a problem for you sometimes, but you should know most people are a little lonely sometimes. Join groups where you can make friends with people who share the same interests. Also, make a bucket list of things you want to do with your life — adventures, world travel, different careers — and enjoy total freedom.

You don’t mention sex, and that may be because it is of no interest to you. It’s fine to be asexual. Enjoy the life you have and don’t waste time trying to explain it to anyone. Just be yourself and tell people who ask, like your parents, that you are happy.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I saw a man who bothered my brain on the bus. He had my eyes, hair, beaky nose, dimples and chin — the older version of my face. When he got off the bus, he acknowledged me with a slight nod. I had been staring. I am 21 and he’d be about 20 years older.

I have never known my father. My mother had me with a young guy when she was around my age. People may think I’m just imagining things because I wish I knew my dad, but I swear to God he looked just like me. I went home and told my mother.

She looked worried; she never talks about him. She said, “I can’t stop you from contacting your father at this time in your life, but at the time I knew him, he was a good-looking boy who was turning himself into a real loser.” She said he was a spoiled party boy who drank and drugged himself out of college, and that he was “furious” when she became pregnant.

“When I knew I was going to have you, I left him,” she said. “I am so grateful you were born healthy.” I asked her if she knew if he still lived in the city, she lied and said, “I don’t think he does.”

He didn’t look like he was stoned or drunk to me on the bus. He looked like a normal businessman and he was dressed in a suit and nice coat. Should I search him out and meet him? I know my mom really doesn’t want me too. Is she afraid for me, or is she afraid for herself? She’s a proud and stubborn woman with a career. As far as I know, she never asked him for a dime in support, and he didn’t give any.

She is so bitter about him, but it’s my life too! I know his name. It won’t be hard to find him. Should I do it?

— Wanting To Meet My Dad, Winnipeg

Dear Wanting: You are wasting a lot of time and mental energy not meeting your father. How about you quietly get it done, on your own terms? You’re a man now — deal with him from that standpoint. Find him and meet him without your mother’s help.

Be prepared to be neutral in your judgment of the adult version of the irresponsible party boy she knew. Don’t expect to love him or hate him on first meeting. His family may or may not know about you.

Just bring lots of questions you want to ask him on a piece of paper, so you don’t get flustered and forget. If he asks after your mother, and he probably will, tell him she is not happy when she speaks of him. Ask him about the drugs and alcohol. Please write back and let us know how this goes, and good luck.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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