Some things you can never make right

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This article was published 29/12/2018 (2791 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I slapped my best friend across the face in the bar bathroom after she called me a “cheap ho” for going after her boyfriend for a Christmas kiss. I’ll admit, I was pretty drunk when I did it. So, I grabbed her and pulled her into a big stall in the bathroom and clocked her a few times until her nose bled.

Then my other friends came in and pulled us apart and stopped her nosebleed. A good friend threw me in the back of his car and took me home. I have been crying my eyes out ever since and drinking. 

She was my best friend, ever. I want her back, but she’s told our friends she’ll never forgive me. I’m so depressed about losing her and I’m drinking every day. She was my BFF. I love her more than any guy I ever had. What should I do? 

— Desperate, Downtown

Dear Desperate: By now, you realize that slapping your best friend’s face repeatedly is the way to permanently lose a friendship. There are boundaries, even among people who fight physically and think it’s acceptable once in awhile. No doubt the story has made the rounds, and people would be horrified if she even thought about taking you back as a friend. You may have blown it this time.

Your best bet now is to back off, because nothing you do is going to make up for what you did — unless you’re gone a long while and she finally misses you.

Right now, there’s your drinking issue to address. Writing me when you’re plastered tells me that you’re still drinking in a very bad way, even after a fight that caused you such a loss.

You need to get a grip on your drinking. It would be wise to go to Addictions Foundation Manitoba for an assessment and counselling. You need to learn to make better decisions so you don’t lose any more friends.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I recognize the issues in Thinking Hard About It, the guy who at 41 is still picking women who haven’t gotten their act together. Playing Prince Charming was a stupid thing in my case. “Gotta save the world,” I thought. But, my princess and I have finally figured it out!

— Retired Rescuer, Rural Manitoba

Dear Rescuer: You are happy now with your new partner and seem to have worked things out. Many men never “get it” and go from one mess to the next trying to rescue women who really don’t want to be rescued, all the while enjoying being taken care of financially. 

You get a false sense of superiority when you rescue someone who can’t function on their own. It’s so much better to partner with someone who’s doing fine most of the time. You and your lady just need to rescue each other once in a while, when things get tough in your lives. But, I guess I don’t need to tell you that. 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I am one of three sisters. At New Year’s Eve everybody usually goes to my older sister’s place for a big dinner and we all take our kids and grandkids and set off fireworks. But now, my two sisters are fighting. 

My husband and I feel stuck in the middle, because both of them have asked us to their homes for that special night.

I said, “Let’s not go anywhere this year.”  He said that would be no fun and suggested we pick one sister and wait for fireworks “of a different kind.” He laughed, but I know he’s kind of sad this is happening. What would you suggest? 

— Ham in the Sandwich, Steinbach

Dear Ham: Find an illness that no one wants, and tell both sisters you are going to have to stay home for the next week. Yes, it’s a lie, but you will emerge blameless. But be aware: you can’t sneak off to someone else’s New Year’s Eve party or throw one at your house. That’s the price you pay for the lie.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m in trouble with the two women I love. I bought them both the same little romantic gift in early December when the first snow came. I never dreamed this was a problem, since they live in two different places. My wife is in the city and my girlfriend is from the country. She’s my wife’s former friend. 

I just thought I’d save myself a little time and get two of the same fluffy pieces of headgear as wintery gifts, as they were so pretty. The best colour was blue and they both have blue eyes, so I got two blue ones. My stupid mistake, for sure.

My wife slipped out without telling me to visit her dying aunt in the country and ran into my girlfriend at a store wearing the same beautiful headgear.

They took one look at each other and put two and two together. My girlfriend approached my wife and said, “Where did you get yours?” My wife said “from my husband” and then both my girlfriend and my wife knew what had happened.

As a result, my wife is leaving me after New Year’s Day, and my girlfriend won’t be far behind her, as she can be nothing but nasty to me on the phone now and won’t see me.

What’s your smart idea for me, Miss Lonelyhearts?

— Square One, Winnipeg

Dear Square One: The root cause of your problem is laziness. You were too lazy to think of each woman individually, so you bought “your women” two identical gifts. You were also too lazy to refuse an affair with a girl who was from the same small town as your wife, and now you’re getting divorced.

My smart advice to you, now that you’re back to square one, is to talk to a relationship counsellor about why you’re lazy, thoughtless and unkind to women.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My two kids are coming to Winnipeg to stay with me and bringing my grandchildren. My husband was against this idea because he says he doesn’t know how to entertain little kids. The real problem is the grandkids are not his. He is my second husband and we don’t have children together. He likes his own grandchildren and does just fine with them.

My husband died some years ago, but the kids were all grown and gone by then. Last night, with his back turned to me in bed, my husband told me he was going golfing with some buddies in Arizona the week the kids are here.

I was shocked! How rude to take off and shun my children and grandchildren. I am numbed by this and don’t even know how to respond. Should I tell my company to stay home? How do I tell them he has elected to snub them all? I hate him right now!

— Furious With Heartless Husband, St. Boniface

Dear Furious: Don’t let him bully you. Consider telling him: “You go right ahead. I won’t stop you, but I may not be here when you return. You knew I had a family and you still wanted to marry me. What’s the problem now?”

Is he jealous of the time you will give to them? He could be embraced by all these people if he made an effort to be welcoming. He’s choosing not to be part of your family. What do you want for the future? Is he asking you to choose between your family and him? If he is, he’s foolish, because we both know what your answer will be. Take this to a counsellor ASAP, even if you have to go alone. 

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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