Readers respond, mostly con, to kissing cousins

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 19/03/2012 (5264 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m writing in response to Crazy About Him, the girl who’s thinking about dating her first cousin. I dated a second cousin for several years and was crazy about him. We didn’t meet until I was in my 30s and both of us were past the children stage. I found it awkward to tell people we were together, but in the end I didn’t care what people thought, as we were happy. That said, if Crazy About Him plans on having children with her cousin, everything changes. She needs to be aware that the closer the relation, the more the risk for genetic problems in any biological children. In very rural isolated communities like mine, there are many children with intellectual delays due to genetic issues directly caused by the close biological relations of the parents who are first and second cousins. — Been There, Manitoba.

Dear Been There: You have lived this situation back home, and you know what the dangers are. Would you have avoided this relationship if you had been younger and of child-bearing years? Please write back. It would be interesting to hear your answer.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m against first cousins dating. I believe they can love each other very much, but my grandparents were first cousins and there were problems. Of their seven children, only the males could reproduce. They say it’s because their genes were so similar. Also, out of their grandchildren, only the males have had kids. A couple of females have been trying for a few years now but have been unsuccessful. That’s a lot more hearts being hurt than the one that may hurt now. It’s illegal (most places) for a reason. — Against it, Winnipeg

Dear Against it: Consanguinity, meaning “with same blood” can cause physical problems. A “bad” gene coming from two people who share the same ancestor, especially first cousins with the same grandparents, certainly multiplies the chances of problems arising. While it’s not illegal to marry first cousins in this province, most doctors and geneticists agree it’s not wise. Plus, the possibility of people seeing first cousins as too closely related and “incestuous” means psychologically, the pressure is on for first cousins not to mate.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: In my culture (Middle Eastern), it’s OK for cousins to marry. I remember just hanging out with my favourite cousin and my aunt thought we would fall in love and she was adamant in keeping us apart, even though we didn’t see our friendship the way her mother did. But here in Canada, I’m sure most will look down upon it. — Middle Eastern View, Winnipeg

Dear View: So much depends on culture. Particularly in countries with arranged marriages, parents are looking for people they know well enough to trust with their son or daughter and they would know how a cousin has been brought up, and how he/she treats people.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband’s first wife was also his first cousin. As they were growing up, they rarely saw each other and the families were never generally close. In their late teens they became close friends and then, slowly and secretly, more than friends. Although when they first revealed their relationship to their families and friends they were generally met with disapproval and judgment; in time it passed and everyone accepted their relationship. Of course they are no longer together (lucky for me!) but it wasn’t the fact that they were cousins that caused the breakdown in their relationship. — Accepting, Winnipeg

Dear Accepting: While you may be accepting of first cousins marrying, the general consensus from readers who responded seems to be: if children are in the plan, it’s wisest to try to find love elsewhere.

Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press 1355 Mountain Ave. Wpg R2X 3B6 or email lovecoach@hotmail.com