Paternity leave is food for fatherly thought

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This article was published 05/03/2018 (2952 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Previous generations of fathers would have been unlikely to take paternity leave, even given the inducements offered to modern fathers last Tuesday in the federal budget.

Many fathers of the past were manly men, rugged and gruff. They didn’t compose poems about flowers.

They believed it was women’s work to care for crying babies. Their idea of being a good father was to bring home steady paycheques, discipline the kids and teach skills such as skating or driving a stick.

After all, it could be a career blemish. The unwritten culture — and it still exists in some 2018 workplaces — viewed men who took time off for children as lacking commitment to the team. If he was out of the loop for several months, he could fall behind in the race for promotions and be tagged forever as the guy whose dedication to the job was second to babysitting, as some guys view parenting.

In the past, a father who stayed home while his wife worked would likely have been teased by his smirking buddies, something like: “Hey diaper daddy, what do you wear now that your wife is wearing the pants in the family?”

Such attitudes are increasingly rare, fortunately. But they’re not extinct. The role models of fathers are not easily deleted in the minds of the sons who grew up in their homes, and changing expectations cause tension.

The modern father’s opinion of paternity leave is unlikely to be swayed by the changes announced by the Trudeau government, or by his wife’s suggestions that he consider it, or, for that matter, by an argument put forth in a newspaper column.

But there is one person who can change his mind. His baby doesn’t care that generations of social conditioning led men to believe that mothers, not fathers, are naturally inclined to care for newborns.

His baby just wants lots of loving contact. Skin-to-skin contact, like when the father is lying down without a shirt and a baby, clad only in a diaper, is laid vertically on the father’s bare chest.

While the baby is soothed by the rhythmic thumping of the parent’s heart, while the father is besotted by the touch of the downy-skinned marvel he helped create, it’s a good time to ponder the advantages of paternity leave.

First, his wife would appreciate it. She carried the bulk of parenting during the pregnancy, a pun that’s lame, but accurate. It would seem only fair he stay home for a while and let her return to work.

To be honest, he hasn’t felt like a full-fledged parent during the first weeks of the baby’s life. He hasn’t mattered much.

He was present for the birth, something his own father never would have done. It was unforgettable. He was humbled by the formidable strength of his wife. And to see a human finally emerge from his wife’s lady parts? It was the creation of life, the closest thing to a miracle he had ever witnessed.

But he was only a spectator. The nurse told him where to stand, to keep him out of the way. It was all about his wife and the baby.

When they got home, it was still all about his wife and the baby. Nature had given her, not him, the natural equipment for breastfeeding. He sometimes envied the bubble of intimacy that encased those two during nursing sessions, the baby suckling while his wife cooed songs and prayers. Again, he was a spectator.

He sometimes felt like he was only an assistant parent, an errand boy sent to the store to fetch more diapers.

His wife had a couple of books about parenting around the house. He read that even when babies are too young to speak, they like hearing the voices of parents. Both parents. They can differentiate between mom and dad’s voices from as early as the first week. Maybe it was time to introduce himself to his baby.

The experts also said parents should sing to their babies. He could do that. He knew the lyrics to a few Tragically Hip songs. He was no Gord Downie, but babies are apparently an appreciative audience regardless.

Also, babies like movement, although they don’t like to be thrown into the air and caught, as his father used to do. They like to be snuggled and swayed, and they like music. He could slow dance with his baby.

The experts in the books agreed that when fathers bond with their babies, it increases the chances for a better father-child relationship in later life.

There’s a wise warning to people who focus too much on careers: you can love your job, but the job doesn’t love you back.

It’s different with fatherhood: you love your infant, and the adult child loves you back.

Carl DeGurse is a member of the Free Press editorial board.