No one will ever drive anywhere

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This article was published 26/12/2024 (310 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

With apologies to Nobody Will Ever Play Baseball by Bob Newhart.

Imagine there weren’t roads for cars and we were trying to make a case for them: here’s the committee meeting that might follow.

All right, Mr. Rhodes, thank you for your presentation to the infrastructure committee on these “car lanes” you have in mind.

But just to clarify, given it’s winter: these would be open year-round? I see. And what do you do, with your car, when it snows? Oh, just “power through it,” you say. And does that work? No, you wouldn’t say it does. All right, we’ll come back to that.

Now, given most people already get around the city by bus, bicycle, or on foot, I have to say, Mr. Rhodes, these “car lanes” are going to take up an awful lot of space.

I mean look at this diagram of yours. This lane for personal vehicles is as wide as a bus corridor or a multi-lane bike path. How many cars drive alongside one another in it?

One, you say? A single car?!

Now Mr. Rhodes, it doesn’t seem to me to be a very cost-effective use of space. Given the weight of these personal vehicles, at the speeds you’re talking about, it’s going to take substantial engineering. Why, we’d nearly go broke putting one in, compared to the cost of an active transportation route and then, what, every 10 years or so we’d be replacing it? Compared to decades of use if we built it for bikes?

You have a footnote about an extra lane in residential areas just for “free parking,” but let’s stick to the main proposal.

Who’s going to pay for these car lanes, Mr. Rhodes? I can tell you this is going to be a hard sell to the taxpayer. Would the taxes on a car purchase go to fixing the roads? Indirectly, maybe, you say. Uh-huh. And what about driver licensing and vehicle registration fees, would those cover building and repairing this car network?

What’s that? They wouldn’t, but you’d let people think they did? I’m not sure how that would help the discussion.

Now, I understand you’re an avid motorist. And some drivers like to go for a car ride when the snow flies. But, realistically, what do you do when that happens? Yes, I see, you’d want them cleared, like we do with bike lanes. How many Bobcats you figure we’d need to clear all this space?

Sorry, graders? And front-end loaders? And dumptrucks? So, you would want to treat the car lanes like the transit lanes? I see. Looking at the kilometres of car lanes you’re talking about, let me do the math…. Oh boy. That’s a real fleet of heavy machinery you want.

And again, to be clear, you envision the taxpayer covering all this.

Listen, Mr. Rhodes, there has to be a reasonable trade-off. I don’t see how this is going to help more people get where they’re going. I mean even with four people in a car, you’d fit more people on bikes for the space it takes up, never mind a bus!

Sorry? How many would a personal vehicle typically transport? One. One, you say.

Would drivers be compelled to give strangers a lift, on these new roads everyone’s taxes paid for? Not on your life, you say.

Sorry, excuse me for laughing. No, I am listening. I mean this gets better the further we go here.

Yes, we are trying to have a respectful dialogue in this committee and I’d remind the councillor who was censured last time for his outburst that language like “carthoritarian” is uncalled for. We can disagree without distasteful name-calling.

Now, Mr. Rhodes, I’m sorry, but I think I speak for everyone here when I say these “car lanes” don’t let many people travel compared to normal modes of transportation — bus, bike, walking — and, by your own admission, the associated costs are steep and continuous and are fobbed off on the taxpayer, for little benefit.

I mean, the city’d go broke in a matter of years trying to build such an inefficient network, never mind maintain it. I just can’t see it getting approved by council.

However, I want to be fair. I think we can agree to study the matter of “car lanes” and maybe open up some seasonal routes for a block or two, where avid motorists like yourself can take their cars for a ride. How about that?

All right, thank you Mr. Rhodes for your time. We’ll be in touch.

David Jón Fuller is a Winnipeg writer, driver, cyclist and pedestrian.

David Jón Fuller
Copy editor

David Jón Fuller is a copy editor with a lifelong love of writing and working in newspapers.