Assure kids money is safe, but they still won’t be rich

Opinion

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This article was published 30/11/2017 (2867 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m an older guy in my 70s who has fallen for a gal in her early 70s, and we are in love. We’re both athletic, in full possession of all our marbles and want to get married.

The heirs to our small fortunes are nervous about that. One of my sons had the nerve to approach me about it. I said I found his questions so distasteful I wouldn’t discuss it with him except in the office of my lawyer.

Then I went to see my lawyer and my wife-to-be saw hers, and then we both saw mine together. It’s all worked out now. We have similar amounts of money, and basically we’re still willing our families pretty much what we were giving them before, but do I owe anybody an explanation?

Then there’s the whole wedding problem. Should it be big, small, a long distance away or what?

— Concerned Older Dad, River Heights

Dear Concerned Older Dad: Look at the money problem realistically. Your grown offspring will be nicer to your new wife if they know they’re still getting pretty much what they were getting before, and it’s not all going to your new bride when you die. She’s not a fortune hunter, and has her own money.

Tell your anxious heirs their inheritances won’t be that much anyway, so they shouldn’t get excited and should keep their jobs. Don’t’ provide any numbers. You don’t need to be worrying about grown-up family who should be supporting themselves by now.

As for the wedding, is this something your family and friends want to celebrate, or are they still missing their mom too much to be pleasant and supportive?

If so, consider having an intimate dinner wedding with about 10 of your best friends, a marriage commissioner, a candlelight exchange of vows in the room and relaxed, fun conversation.

You’ll want an evening where you needn’t be self-conscious and subtle about showing your love and affection for your new bride.

Then you might want a honeymoon somewhere warm, leaving the next day. It’s your love life, and it’s too late in the game to be worrying about family disapproval — on either side.

Congratulations on finding love again!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m an eternal optimist, but I’m being mocked behind my back with nicknames like Little Miss Merry Sunshine because apparently I bug people. When someone complains, I tell them to look on the bright side and offer advice to cheer them up, but these people aren’t grateful.

I’m 19 years old, and have just entered the workforce and can tell I’m not well-liked by my co-workers.

This has me confused because I try to brighten everyone’s day if I can, like I do at home. Yesterday this girl who’s always complaining to me about her life, turned around and said to me, very rudely, “Just shut up! I’m having serious problems in my life and you keep trivializing them.” I don’t get what she means. I’m just trying to put a smile back on her face.

— Just Being Helpful, Windsor Park

Dear Just Being Helpful: Trivializing problems — dismissing them as small and easily forgotten — is something parents often do with children because they don’t want to believe their child is being seriously hurt.

That denies the person the chance to open up and often serves to shut them right down. It works with adults the same way.

If you tell a co-worker things aren’t really so bad, and all they need to do is turn that frown upside down, you sound flippant and effectively deny the seriousness of what they have to say.

They feel they can’t talk about it anymore to you.

So stop offering any of your platitudes when someone is complaining. You can just tell them you are sorry they are going through whatever they are talking about, and that’s it.

Don’t fish for more information about the problem or their general depression.

Accept you’re not the right kind of person to get into casual counselling because your sunniness sounds fake to them, and is no help.

Accept that some people just want to air their grievances and then they feel better. Others are chronic complainers — something new is wrong every day.

They enjoy complaining and love the sympathy and recognition of what they have to endure.

If they’re really serious about solving a problem, they can go to a psychologist or counsellor, or a close friend, and talk it out with them.

From now on, you are off the cheering-up beat.