Romance not on menu at lunch with lesbian co-worker

Opinion

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This article was published 10/03/2018 (2774 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: There’s a new lady at work around my age. She’s a lesbian.

I’m a married mom with kids and she knows this. I grew up with brothers and am fairly attractive; however, I’m sporty and not ultra-feminine, so sometimes women get the wrong idea about me.

This co-worker keeps asking me to go to lunch with her.

I would totally go if she was straight, but when I started to think more deeply about it, the idea made me a bit uncomfortable.

I’m not attracted to her other than as a friend, but I would never go to lunch alone with a male co-worker.

What do you think? I’m not sure how to navigate these waters. I guess I worry about being judged or leading her on. Why am I thinking like this? Am I thinking about this too much? I am just confused about what is correct.— Don’t Get It, Winnipeg

Dear Don’t Get It: Go for lunch, stop over-thinking this and casually drop into the conversation some of the things you love about your husband and ask her if she has a partner.

She may be very happy with a mate she doesn’t bring up in conversation at work. Not everybody is comfortable hearing about it, and I would include people like you on that list.

Don’t bring up this worry of yours as an issue unless she drops a broad hint about being interested in you.

She may just find it more comfortable that you’re not a frilly-dilly hetero woman and may like you as a person and hope that you can be friends and have some common interests to chat about. Maybe she’s lonely at work since she’s new.

Please tell me why you wouldn’t go out with a male co-worker for a bite to eat at lunch? If you went all the time with the same man, that might look suspicious, but not otherwise. Men are just people and it helps sometimes to be able to chat for a bit about other things than the work in front of you to see the person as a whole. If you get to know people as casual friends at work, you build morale in the company. Is it a suspicious kind of workplace? Or are you just a bit paranoid about what people think?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband has a crush on someone at hockey. I know because I am there quite often with him and this outgoing woman has caught his fancy. He quotes her wisecracks far too much at home and he always wants to stand near her at our kid’s hockey games.

I was coping all right, I thought, until last night, when he spoke her name in his sleep. I wasn’t asleep because the wind was roaring outside, but he was dreaming and I just have to tell you hearing her name in the intimacy of his sleep broke my heart. What am I supposed to do now? — Dare I Ask? Southdale

Dear Dare I Ask: There can be a time in a marriage where one partner has to say, “I’m hearing this person’s name too often and last night you said her name out loud in your sleep, possibly in a dream? Should we start seeing a marriage counsellor before this gets out of hand?”

You may know by the look on his face whether he’s innocently charmed by this woman or he’s got an emotional crush on her. He may even be seeing her on the sly and look guilty.

That question from you will certainly put him on alert.

She may have no interest in him, you know. She may just be entertaining and sparkly in any crowd.

But he needs to know you have noticed and you will fight for him, and it could get ugly.

Having been a counsellor, I can tell you men don’t want to go to counselling, unless they are in danger of a breakup.

Women will go for help much faster and even will go alone. Married men generally have to be dragged or be terrified of loss — the breakdown of their family unit and/or financial ruin. It may be a simple crush or he may be seeing her behind your back. If she’s just a fantasy, he won’t feel as free to daydream about her as much as he was doing, which often can lead to sexual dreams.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg R2X 3B6