Alcoholic mom needs to see doctor

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This article was published 11/03/2018 (3085 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother is wealthy, cagey, manipulative and old. At 95 she is healthy physically, except she’s a wino (only expensive wines, so she thinks it doesn’t count), and she has fits of anger where she loses it and lashes out screaming obscenities at me that she doesn’t remember the next day (or pretends she doesn’t to get away with it).

She can afford daily cleaning and cooking help, and my niece boards there so she’s not alone at night. I’m a widow, so can stay there on weekends when no one else will come to cook for her, but she has gotten too mean and always wants me to buy her liquor. I refuse. But if she runs out of booze on the weekends, she can get angry to the point of violence, and that happened recently where she came at me screaming and swearing.

She claims everybody’s lying about the attack on me as she has no memory of it, but I have proof on my phone. When I take her to the doctor, she puts on a show of wellness. I can’t stand taking care of her any longer and am becoming anxious to the point of panic attacks. Please help.

— Wit’s End, Winnipeg

Dear Wit’s End: When an alcoholic like your mother runs out of liquor, she starts getting the heebie-jeebies, all the reactions and feelings of an addict. The simplest way to make your own life better right now is to keep her supplied with just enough wine on your watches to keep that from happening.

And don’t just sit around the house with your mother doing nothing so it gets to the point you just start annoying each other.

Take her out on drives and go for meals. At her house, get her interested in Netflix so she can binge-watch her favourite programs and ignore you. Also invite people over — family and friends — when you’re minding her, so she can put on a show of wellness which will be more pleasant for you.

Get in touch with her doctor and explain the behaviours she’s exhibiting when she’s with you on your own: the violence, screaming and swearing and then claiming she doesn’t remember. Maybe she doesn’t.

The doctor also needs to know about the alcohol and what happens when you deny her liquor. Unless the physician can smell it on her the day she comes in, he or she won’t know.

You should also talk to your own physician about what you’re going through and your growing anxiety.

If it’s a choice between caring for your mother in her home, and your sanity, you must choose to save yourself.

She may need to be evaluated by doctors and move into a care home.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife has terrible taste in clothes and I had to tell her straight out. I recently got two promotions in six months and now I’m half way up the corporate ladder. There are lots of things I could take her to, but she doesn’t know how to dress appropriately, or care. For instance, we were invited to a major client’s big party and I met her there in my suit, and she was wearing casual pants and a crinkled blouse. The other wives were dressed in business clothes such as suits and dresses, even pantsuits that looked smart.

My wife looked like she just scrubbed the floors.

She had washed and curled her hair, but her clothes were totally inappropriate and she didn’t seem to notice or care. I know she doesn’t like my career, though she loves her own as a teacher. She would rather stay home and have kids now that I make more money, but I’m starting to wonder about her as my choice of a mate for life.

I sat her down when we got home and told her that I needed her to dress more appropriately when she attends business events with me, and she got really mad and went into the bedroom and locked me out. She told me I just needed her to be a showpiece, but I just want someone who is savvy enough to know how to dress for social occasions with me to do with my work. I always dress up and look good at any of her work functions.

This morning I wrote her a cheque for $1,500 and told her it was for clothes, and since they were clothes for my work events, I would pay the expense. She threw it back in my face! I’m really mad. What now?

— Husband of a Slob, South Winnipeg

Dear Husband of a Slob: It’s doubtful she doesn’t know how to dress appropriately for business parties, since she’s been to a few. There’s something deeper going on here. She resents your job for some reason and she’s rebelling, and perhaps the rebellion is even subconscious at this point.

What has happened to your life together as a couple since you have been climbing this corporate ladder? You don’t mention a plan for children. Has having a family been put on the back burner while you work for your promotions? Has your personal time together diminished radically as you work and attend functions? Have you stopped showing an interest in her career? Is there a woman at your office she suspects of being more than a co-worker?

Dressing poorly or inappropriately can also signal depression, and depression can be full-on or situational. She may feel just fine at her work, but become depressed driving home to a place that is too often lonely because you are now married to your career.

The best idea for you two is counselling to get at the deeper problems that are showing in a surface way. You need to dig deeply, as $1,500 worth of new clothes she resents is not going to help. Spend the money on finding out if this marriage can be fixed before you have any babies.

If you have a problem for Miss Lonelyhearts, please email her at mscurf@shaw.ca, or send your letters c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
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