Old buddy upset friend knew he was gay

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 24/09/2019 (2550 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a straight guy, age 27. My good friend just “came out” to me, although I had known for years. “I already know, and it’s just fine,” I said. “It’s great you can talk about it openly now.”

He didn’t take that well. He was really annoyed he wasn’t the one to break the “news” to me. I didn’t have the nerve to tell him it showed in the way he walked, talked, dressed and prefaced the name of every guy he liked, with “my friend,” short for “my dear friend,” I think.

He had just returned to Winnipeg from a trip to Toronto, where he is totally “out” and happy within a close LGBTTQ+ community. I think that’s great! If he needed to get out of this little burg called Winnipeg, and wanted to come out and live an openly gay life, I get it, but don’t be mad at ME, pal! I just don’t get why he is so offended. Can you tell me?

— Confused Buddy From School, Winnipeg

Dear Confused: He may be angry because he was hoping it didn’t show all those years in Winnipeg, and that he had fooled people. Now he wonders how many other people knew and whispered behind his back. You might smoothe his ruffled feathers by saying you probably sensed it though others didn’t, because you were closer to him than most people.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother is a shrew. The more she drinks, the more friends she loses. The more bored she becomes at home, the worse she gets. Her language has turned vulgar and she’s let herself go appearance-wise — no bra, sloppy shirts, draw-string pants and slippers.

I confronted her last week. She said, “Well that’s the way I feel comfortable and nobody comes to visit me anyway, so shut the #$%& up!”

She’s not forgetting things, but she’s losing it socially. Mostly because of the constant boozing since she took early retirement — what a mistake that was! I think her brain is starting to float! I’m the only one who has the love and patience to see her now.

She desperately needs a job again — a reason to get up and out — although she isn’t poor. She loves to work, but she’s not fit to get a job now; nobody would hire her, smelling like stale booze. What can I do?

— Frustrated Only Son, St. Vital

Dear Only Son: Do you know her old friends? Ask her what happened to them. If she hasn’t contacted them, make a short list and put it in your pocket for when she’s off the liquor. If she’s turned them all off with her drunken behaviour, you may have to forget them for good.

Then call Alcoholics Anonymous of Manitoba’s Central Office at 942-0126 for help, and get a list of meetings and everything else they offer. Mom might be tempted to join if she knew all the services offered. She has to want to go; you can’t drag her.

Won’t make any move to quit drinking? Here’s the bait: talk about making a whole set of new friends who understand what drinking addiction means. Make her aware that if she joined AA, she could exchange booze for new friends who no longer drink.

She may not be able to quit cold turkey, but go to rehab and dry out properly. Call your mom’s physician and explain your concern, and ask if you can get her into the office on some pretext. Find out about her general health as well.

But first, do something just for yourself. Phone Al-Anon, the group for friends and family of alcoholics, and go to their meetings.

Socially, you could start helping her dig out of her depression right away. You know the old saying “if you look good, you feel good?” Since your mom is looking bad, take her to a hair appointment (your treat) and take her out for new clothes (on her money and yours) if she will go. Hot tip: take her in the late morning once she’s fully awake and thinking clearly, before she can get drunk again.

Steer her to casual clothes that look smarter and are comfortable — maybe velvety sports suits instead of cotton sweats that look old after the first wash.

Is the house a mess — another depressing factor? Maybe she needs a cleaner once a week or so. Talk her into one big cleaning visit from a company that sends a crew for a couple of hours — maybe on your dime if you can afford it. It’s not cheap, but it can be life-changing for someone who’s embarrassed to have anyone over, and subconsciously keeps them away.

Good luck. Your mother is lucky to have a son who loves her and cares to help her.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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