Put self first in coping with overseas breakup

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 11/01/2021 (2049 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I love a man who lives across the ocean. We haven’t been able to visit each other because of COVID.

Yesterday, I received a goodbye letter from him, written the day after Christmas. I had wondered why he wasn’t communicating with me and he claimed he was in bed with the flu.

I now realize he was probably sick because he found a way to hurt me. He has found a woman where he lives. I have no one here. He says he has “set me free.” I never felt I was in jail and needed freeing, but maybe he did. I’m heartbroken.

His letter was cold and abrupt, like someone else wrote it, but with his signature. How could he grow so cold? At least he could have phoned and told me. My family said this would happen from the beginning, and they will be happy if they find out what’s going on. Should I tell them I instigated the breakup so they won’t be able to say, “We told you so?”

— Crying Alone, Downtown

Dear Crying: Protect yourself the best way you can. If you know your family will be cruel to you, tell them, “We broke up. It was mostly my idea, and I don’t want to talk about it.” They will be relieved it’s over, so that’s enough happiness in their corner.

To explain your sadness, you say, “I’m lonely now, but I will make friends and get better on my own.” Tell them you need time to feel better, and will try to meet someone more new after COVID has been tamed.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband and I don’t talk much these days, and quite frankly I’m too tired to deal with his stubbornness anymore.

I’ve been married about 20 years, and have two young adult children (one has special needs). I’m recovering from surgery for cancer, and my husband has grudgingly taken over a few household duties. He’s forever complaining about me not doing enough around the house, but I’m tired and there’s no reason he can’t take these tasks on.

He spends half his time in the yard or outside working on various projects, and normally I’m perfectly happy having him out of my hair. But right now he needs to pick up the slack. The problem is, I think these small tasks have given him a sense of “I run the house” and it’s not attractive.

Recently, my parents gave me some money, and I’ve decided to renovate our older house. He’s against the idea, and is getting more cranky by the day. I’m off work, and it’s not as if we don’t have the money now. It will give us a little more living area, will add to the value of the house and having my own space sounds wonderful.

I’m tired of his whining, because the money is from my parents and our house really isn’t big enough for four adults to have any kind of privacy. He always tended to gripe about things, but in the end he used to do what I wanted. Doesn’t it make sense for me to use the money so that we can all have a little more breathing room?

— T. Pet, Manitoba

Dear T. Pet: The building project makes some sense, but not right now when you’re still in cancer recovery. Your husband is not up for picking up the slack and being the foreman for a big project.

You say you need more assistance from hubby in the home, but his time for that will disappear if you start a building project. Also, it brings strangers into the house, which you don’t need during COVID, especially when you’re recovering from cancer. When more people have vaccinations, it will be safer to allow people in.

However, you could look at designing the extra wing now. You’re both going through a difficult time, and both deserve rewards. Starting to plan will help keep you from picking at each other.

So, design now and pick out materials — that’s the fun part. Then bring in the builders later in the spring for the major work, if it’s safe by that time.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I bought a puppy for myself, even though my live-in boyfriend already has one. That nice old dog is faithful to him, and pretty much ignores me. The puppy loves everybody, but my boyfriend is miffed I didn’t ask him first (so he could’ve said, “No, we already have a dog!”)

Last night we had a fight over who rules the roost and, after a few beers, he yelled: “My way or the highway!” I looked at him aghast, and said, “I guess it’s the highway for you, since the suite in this house is in my name.”

He said he did me a favour by moving in, because I couldn’t pay the rent myself.

I said, “True enough, and you came with a dog. Now I have a full-time job again, and I have a puppy.” That shut him up, but now he is barely talking to me. Help please!

— Pup’s Mommy, Fort Rouge

Dear Pup’s Mom: Your next important statement to the boyfriend? “I can’t live in hostile silence. Either we work this problem out, or you need to move out.” Consider encouraging the move-out option, as this guy’s trying to dominate you. He’s issued you the nasty “highway” ultimatum, yelled at you and methinks you definitely want to keep that puppy, and perhaps find a female roomie!

Please send questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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