Ignore not-so-subtle baiting, focus on good times

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This article was published 02/02/2021 (2076 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I thought I had the most fun-loving in-laws. Could they have been faking it?

Before the pandemic, we’d go out with them every weekend. My mother-in-law and I would dance the night away, while the guys would sit and tell guy jokes.

My husband and I helped them with all their home and cottage needs. We even looked after taking them to all their appointments.

Now with the pandemic, we have limited contact. We take them groceries and whatever else they need, and have taken them for drives to get them out.

I was heartbroken to hear through the family gossip-vine that my in-laws “do not enjoy our time together!” Apparently my mother-in-law said, “But it’s better than sitting at home.”

What? Why would my sister-In-law feel the need to tell me this? I’m shocked and hurt. She had a kind of smug look on her face when she told me the way things “really” are.

She and her partner have done next to nothing, but are held in such high regard. Should we ask my in-laws about what we heard, or just let it be? — Deeply Hurt & Embarrassed, St. James

Dear Deeply Hurt: Your sister-in-law is jealous and she wanted to put you in your place. Maybe she feels guilty because you do the work they should be helping with. She may have totally made up the story!

Instead of believing her words, believe how good it felt going out with your in-laws and having fun. People can’t fake that kind of happy companionship.

Or your sister-in-law may — and this is a long shot — be partly right. It’s sad, but not unusual, that the people who do the most work for parents and grandparents sometimes aren’t thought of as the perfect ones.  But the ones who don’t come around so much have somehow become the saintly ones, kind of a fantasy.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: The guy who signed off as “Kids Ruining Marriage” needs some serious parenting lessons. There is no reason to have kids who are that demanding, break things, fight, yell and scream all day, every day.

These parents need to learn how to set boundaries and put a stop to all that negative behaviour, as well as teach their children how to behave lovingly to all of their family.

As you said, Miss Lonelyhearts, children don’t really want to see their parents frazzled! Everyone prefers a peaceful, happy home. — Just Sue, Winnipeg

Dear Sue: There are many parents who are not well educated for the job of raising children. Unless they had good parents as examples, they are winging it — learning the most important job in the world.

If they had nasty, violent, yelling parents, they may try to do the opposite, and be totally lax and put up with way too much. That’s my reading on these two parents, whose children rule and the house is pandemonium.

In their case, they need to educate themselves and also work with a child psychologist — online if necessary, during the pandemic. (Some people’s work insurance will help pay for this.)

In counselling, they can describe everything — each child in detail, their own behaviours, and their family backgrounds. Then they need to learn how to be instructive teaching parents and guide the kids onto different tracks. The hardest child to re-orient will probably be the one who was the boss all these years, in place of the parents.

Oddly enough, the kids don’t need to go to see the child psychologist first. The parents are the primary problem, and need to learn healthy parenting in order to guide their children. Then the kids need to get help, one by one, and then the whole family together would benefit from some sessions.

Family counselling can sometimes be a miracle to behold, if it’s done right. I know of one case where the two-year-old stood up and called out, “I want my family!” and that inspired everybody to work to save the family.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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