You should think twice before hitting ‘record’

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 24/04/2021 (1950 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband is a musician. He wants to tape us making love, just because he loves sound. I’m 50 per cent convinced, but a bit paranoid. What if it got in the wrong hands somehow? I’m not sure how that could happen but do you think it’s more dangerous on our phones?

— Nervous, Charleswood

Dear Nervous: Think twice about recording this anywhere, particularly on a networked device like a phone or laptop. People who have possession of erotic personal tapings sometimes like to keep them — and will go so far as lying about destroying them.

Marriages fall apart at an alarming rate these days and people who were once loving and protective can end up turning nasty and vengeful. You’d hate to hear parts of your erotic personal tape in the background of a song!

If you two must embark on this dicey project, go to a thrift store and buy an old-fashioned tape recorder. When your crazy experiment is over, and you’ve had your fill of listening to the tape, roast some marshmallows, make a toast to each other and throw the tape in a red-hot fire together — for long-term privacy’s sake.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: For the past year, I’ve been sharing my large two-storey condo with a male house mate, found through an old friend.

All expenses are split between us — we’re very business-like. I only had feelings of friendship when we hardly saw each other, working on different shifts. With the pandemic, we’re both working from home now and there are no opposite shifts.

I’ve always thought of him as a nice guy, but now I’m seeing him a lot, and noticing what a great guy he really is — the kind I’ve always wanted to have in my life. Do you think it’s a COVID crush, only happening out of convenience and isolation? Or, are my feelings real? What should I do?

How do I let him know my feelings for him have changed recently? I hardly paid attention to him before, except to collect the rent and his half of the bills. What if I tell him how I’m feeling and he doesn’t reciprocate? How embarrassing and awkward! Please help.

— Dwelling on Possible Failure, Tuxedo

Dear Dwelling: It’s barely spring and still pandemic time, and nobody needs to feel “home insecurity” right now.

Since you’re the property owner, you’d be wise not to hit on your renter. If he has developed feelings for you, he may be hiding them until he can properly establish himself elsewhere — and then ask you for a date.

What signs have you had from him he might be interested in you? If none, wait until the weather is good for moving, and then ask him how he feels. If he doesn’t share your feelings, he may want to live elsewhere, and you’ll feel more comfortable with that, too. Whatever you do, be polite and forthright — and verbal. Don’t just appear in a suggestive outfit, and hope he takes the hint.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My new boyfriend has an ex-wife (they’re not divorced yet) who pretends to be helpless about once every three to four weeks. Listen to this clever little move: She calls me, his new live-in partner, and asks in a timid little voice if it’d be alright if he helped her move something, like a heavy piece of her furniture out of the garage.

What garbage! She never wanted any physical help from him before, and he’s not a guy who lifts or fixes anything. He’s a computer programmer in an office, for God’s sake. I never know what to say, because I’m a polite, fair-minded Canadian — and she has been polite enough to ask me for permission. I don’t trust her, but I don’t know how to say, “No! Get lost!”

I know she’d like to get him back, because she’ll never get another man. Why? She doesn’t like sex! She was his high school sweetheart and a virgin until they got married at 19. She froze him out in bed after the honeymoon.

I, on the other hand, have real sexual needs! Every night is a honeymoon with me. But, this afternoon she pulled one of her “help me!” tricks again, and he went over there. He knew I was very unhappy when he got back. I’m secretly writing you, sitting in the locked bathroom with my phone.

— Feeling Like a Fool, Wolseley

Dear Fool: He knows how you feel, and he should be saying, “No! Our marriage is over. Get someone else to help you now.” But now he has two women who want him. It must be very good for his ego, which suffered all those years when his wife didn’t want him.

Are you sure you really want him? If yes, here’s the plan: Next time she calls, tell her never to pull this phoney move again. Let her know she’s not to call your place, and let your boyfriend know this is where the game stops for you — and that includes his part in it. Should he go over for another of these strange visits, warn him you two will be finished.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m mesmerized by one of the young builders who comes to work on the new building across the street. It was hard enough when he was dressed for winter, but now he’s pulling off his jacket when it’s above zero. His physical labour keeps him warm — and I’m just staring out my front window.

I’ve started coming up with excuses to pass him on the way to stores nearby, and I always say “hello” if he’s on the ground level working. Now he says “hi,” back to me, and grins. He looks to be in his late 20s. How do I get to the next step?

— Dying to Talk with Him, St. Vital

Dear Dying: Break the ice by asking him about what the project’s going to look like, and his role in it. That should keep him chatting for five minutes. Then tell him your name and say, “Thanks for filling me in!”

Next day, have another question to ask. Don’t say much more than “hi” every day, as part of this is up to him. If he’s cool towards you, his boss may not want him chit-chatting with passing women — or he just isn’t interested. Possibly, he already has a girlfriend. No harm in your flirting a little, but take a hint if he isn’t responding.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.