Family baggage turning into a real dealbreaker

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 23/04/2021 (1977 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts:  When I met my girlfriend, I treated her like a queen, and she fell in love with me. I remember her saying I was “so warm and easy to get along with” — and then she added something weird — “and the opposite of my parents.”

Six months later, if I say or do something wrong, my girlfriend sneers, “You remind me of my father.” Her father is an angry and critical man, and has been violent with her mom on several occasions.

I’m nothing like him — or the mother for that matter. Her mom is withdrawn, but loves to point the finger of blame at her husband and sneers at him for every little thing. She also makes self-pitying comments a lot.

My best buddy says I should get out of this relationship ASAP because it’s making me nervous and bringing me down.

But, my girlfriend and I are both physically attracted to each other so strongly I think of all the good times and put off breaking up.

Now she’s picking fights with me often, and she can get ugly. Yesterday she slapped my face — not very hard, but she did.

I care for her, but don’t think I can take much more. — Trying So Hard, West End

Dear Trying: Your girlfriend is terrified of getting stuck with someone like her father and in doing so, she is hyper-vigilant and sneering at you in that cold, critical way people can.

She is acting like her mother towards you — but also like her father recently in striking you!

Why should you take any nasty treatment at all in a relationship which is supposed to be warm and understanding on both sides? You can’t win by staying in this unhealthy situation and hoping it gets better.

Your girlfriend needs serious help — working with a psychologist or psychiatrist over a period of time.

It’s time to say goodbye now. Let her go and find yourself someone who will love you normally, and not “act out” in the style of both her difficult parents.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Long ago I had a girlfriend who had everything — she was funny, intelligent and had looks to die for. She went to university and “moved up” to a guy who was older and more sophisticated who ended up in a profession making lots of money.

She dropped out of university, got married and had kids with him. I forgot about her (mostly) and married someone else, who kind of looked like her — same black hair.

I recently got divorced, and here’s the weird part, my old ex did, too. I heard about her from a mutual friend who has been my gossip pipeline all these years.

Then, a week ago, I got a phone call from her — my long-lost ex — interesting timing, eh?

We had a long talk and I could feel some of the sexual pull she always had with me. She asked me to go out “for old times’ sake” after the COVID thing is over.

It seemed like a long time away. I said casually, “Sure, why not?”

Now it’s all I think about. I told her to call me again when she wants to, and she hasn’t. Should I call her? — On Her Chain Again? St. Boniface

Dear On her Chain: Why not call her on your timing? Spend no more days and nights of your life waiting for this woman’s call — take back your power quickly.

If she’s cool to you, you won’t feel like calling her too much, and you might actually get tired of talking to her.

Feeling “tired and bored of that old ex” would actually be good for you, especially if you sense she’s just using you to soothe her ego. She probably remembers how hot you used to be for her.

Just remember she didn’t feel the same for you, so why did she call at this time? A bruised ego after her marriage breakup would be a good guess.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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