Post-birth return to intimacy complicated

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This article was published 29/10/2021 (1752 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m tired of waiting. My wife and I had a baby three months ago — there were no problems with the delivery and our baby is healthy — but she still doesn’t want to have sex! I can’t think of why. I’ve read about this sort of thing online before, and know it is common, but I don’t want our marriage to become one of those sexless ones, where we basically are roommates raising a child together. My buddy who has four children told me I’m overthinking it. What do you think?

— New Dad, St. James

Dear New Dad: The reason your experienced friend told you not worry is probably because his wife recovered after a while to actually want lovemaking — and was willing to get pregnant three more times. He knows from that experience the desire eventually comes back.

There can be many reasons a new mother is hesitant and unready. The major one is fatigue. If your wife is breastfeeding day and night, and can’t get enough undisturbed sleep in a 24-hour period? She may be feeling under-the-weather. To have yet another person — even you, her loving husband — wanting access to her body, may seem too much.

Plus, she may be desperate for free time. Some women are so tired from baby care and lack of sleep (plus doing housework when baby’s sleeping) that there’s absolutely no time to themselves. The last thing they feel is sexy. Can you do more of the housework or hire a cleaner?

Maybe your wife is embarrassed about how her body looks. Can you address that with reassurance, compliments and gratitude that she carried your baby for nine long months?

What’s missing here is “inside information” and that requires talking about all this stuff in a non-judgmental way with your beloved. You need her to tell you how she feels about all these changes in her life. She may be tired of being brave and need your shoulder to cry on.

Is she actually depressed? Postpartum depression is common and there’s help for it if she advises her doctor she’s in need. It can start any time during your baby’s first year, but it’s most common after the first three weeks following birth. Could a close friend or relative she loves come and help for a few weeks? Rooting out all this information and addressing the problems will help bring back your happy love life, and sex, too.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My dad is getting depressed. He told me recently he won’t be able to retire when he planned, or maybe at all, and I know he hates his job. I’m worried he’s going to spend the rest of his life resenting every single day, and he’s only in his 50s.

— Concerned Son, Transcona

Dear Concerned Son: Perhaps your dad can only see straight ahead, and isn’t open enough to see roads leading off in other directions. That’s where you come in. Start seeing more of your father and talk to him about things he’s interested in now, and what he enjoyed in the past.

He might be too old to go back to school, but he could perhaps get in on the periphery of a field of work he loves. Seek out some book about changing work mid-life and check out career counsellors. Meanwhile, be your father’s unpaid and unasked-for second-career counsellor, and don’t talk about it to other people. You don’t need it to get back to his employer that his interests have gone elsewhere.

If Dad is definitely going to have to tough it out in his job, then maybe you could help alleviate the boredom. Research hobbies he’d be interested in and help him get him into them, so his free time holds interest, fun and provides like-minded friends.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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