Affair ‘revelation’ a shock; focus first on care

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This article was published 01/11/2021 (1750 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: The woman with dementia mentioned in the letter “Thanksgiving Horror Show” is lucky to have family so near to her. (The letter was from the wife of the son who walked away from the dinner table after his mom, who has dementia, announced she had an affair with the neighbour 45 years ago. —Miss L.)

Her family needs to contact the Alzheimer Society of Manitoba (alzheimer.mb.ca) to get more informed about dementia care.

If she is living alone, the older lady is in danger of hurting herself. My mother had no relatives living near her. She left the kitchen tap on and slipped and fell on the floor, breaking her arm in the process. Her dementia had advanced so far at that point that she ended up in a care home.

Prior to the fall, she spoke to my niece’s school picture as if it was a real child, and looked at my father’s picture and would say “My, what a handsome young man!”

She also would forget to eat — so much so her weight dropped down below 100 pounds and she had been a bigger woman all her life.

— Concerned About Help for Mom, Manitoba

Dear Concerned: Hopefully the shocking announcement at the Thanksgiving table of the affair with the neighbour will spark an assessment of how much help this mom/grandma needs, if she’s not getting it already. Maybe the affair revelation was simply the truth, and she needed to get it out. The outburst doesn’t quite seem normal, however — and it may not even be true! Alzheimer’s can cause people to believe some things are true that are not.

An assessment is really needed, and assistance should be sought for the son who now isn’t sure who his dad is. There needs to be emotional help for him, as he’s in total shock about the affair his mother announced.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I think your reply to “Thanksgiving Horror Show” missed an obvious concern in the letter.

You suggested the affair may have happened, or perhaps it was a fantasy that now seems real to her.

You suggested it could be “an imagining” and for this woman to hang onto her mother-in-law at family parties, and divert strange conversations.

The additional info he needs is whether he’s the son of his mother’s husband, or the man she had an affair with. The son’s wife should use some gentle questioning to find out from her man, if that is his fear.

If so, DNA testing of him and his siblings would show whether he’s a full sibling match, or not. Even a strong family resemblance can hint whether they have common genetic lines.

— Another Son Whose Mother had an Affair, Winnipeg

Dear Another Son: Most people feel a deep need to know their real parentage if it comes into question. While the son may have deeply loved the father who raised him (and is now deceased) he might have some questions for the man who lives next door (if he’s still alive) and want to pursue testing if need be.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I read the “Thanksgiving Horror Show” letter and I have to tell you that my mother had all kinds of imagined romances when she was declining cognitively, including with movie stars.

I learned she used to have their photos, clipped from magazine pages, taped up on her bedroom wall as a teenager.

I feel sorry for this adult son who now wonders who his real father is, but he needs to know there’s a real good chance his mother might be imagining things.

— Feeling Sorry for Him, Selkirk

Dear Feeling Sorry: Thanks for sending your sympathy and insight. Unfortunately, things aren’t going to be easy for the people closest to his mother during the journey ahead. Luckily, the son has a strong and thoughtful wife who will stick by him and hopefully push to get help for her mother-in-law.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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