New man may grasp keys to partnership

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 06/11/2021 (1790 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My new boyfriend recently got the key to my apartment — a big privilege, I think. I told him to meet me at midnight there the other night, after my evening shift.

I got off work early that night, and was surprised to see his car parked at my place already. Figuring he was in my bed naked, watching TV waiting for me to come home and please him, I was feeling ticked off.

Imagine my surprise when I found him cleaning my house for me, with dinner prepared. And he still had all his clothes on!

What do you make of that? I’ve never seen this from a guy before. — Shocked New Girlfriend, East Kildonan

Dear Shocked: Hang onto this man and check him out. He may be serious marriage material.

Most guys don’t offer this kind of loving attention unless they’re really crazy about a woman. And, it’s been noted, you gave him your door key very early in the game.

Could it be you also feel like experimenting?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband is quitting smoking and I caught him with a pack of cigarettes recently. He told me he bought them a while ago, and kept them in his pocket, so he didn’t feel anxious while quitting.

In his defence, the package was pretty beat-up, and there were only a few cigarettes in there. But, the pack was in his outdoor jacket pocket, and he always takes solo walks wearing it.

I’m upset because I now picture him out on the trail inhaling whole new packs of cigarettes, while keeping the old beat-up pack to pull out and show me. I feel like he lied to me!

He’s upset with me now, because he’s still trying to quit and apparently my being mad isn’t helping. Am I wrong for feeling lied to?— Smokin’ Mad Wife, River Heights

Dear Smokin’ Mad: You’re not his mother — and he’s no teenager. If you don’t want to slip into that unromantic, unsexy style of relationship, then you’d better back off the parental shaming and outrage.

You could support your husband in this struggle in a different way. Since he seems to be slipping up, you might suggest he see his doctor and/or pharmacist about smoking cessation supports. It’s not easy!

I know from personal experience. I quit smoking cold turkey twice in my life and it was hellish.

I was 28 the first time and studying journalism at Carleton University in Ottawa. I rocked myself back and forth all night and cried a lot for the first few weeks. When the worst was over, I grabbed the scissors and cut up red liquorice into cigarette sizes, and pretended to smoke them for several months.

I slipped back into smoking two years later, because everyone was smoking in newsrooms in hose days, and I wanted to join in. Yep, I was weak.

The second time I quit (at age 37) I’d just found out I was pregnant and could picture the baby inside me. I didn’t want him to suffer in utero or out, but quitting was still tough.

If my partner had given me the evil eye, it would have made it even harder. He was a smoker himself, so he had nothing to say.

The best idea is to tell your husband you support his efforts and you’re getting off his back.

You can buy him hard candies to suck and other treats to deter him, but get off the preaching and shaming. He doesn’t need that from anybody.

It’s his own personal fight with nicotine addiction and It Ain’t Easy, as the old song goes.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a suggestion for Got Unfair Parents, whose father told her not to bring her “older guy” around.

Since she lives in the city (not with her rural parents), why not invite them to come to her place for a home-cooked meal?

Her fellow could be there, helping to cook, and they could host an evening of good food, fun (maybe a games night?) and conversation.— Just a Little Mom Advice, Manitoba

Dear Mom Advice: The best thing about your advice is moving the location of the first meeting — although the parents may mutter about it being a surprise attack when they get there and see him.

Her parents have said they don’t want her bringing her older man out to their home. I suggested this “older guy” get dressed up and drive out to see her old-fashioned dad at quitting time at his business, for a man-to-man talk.

But it’s probably better to meet on their daughter’s turf in the city! She should expand the guest list to include a couple of fun cousins, to lift the mood.

The parents may feel they’ve been tricked, but they also might find out they actually like the older guy, and he’s far from being “old” in terms of thinking, feelings, personality and energy level.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.