Embrace liberation, but let kids grieve their way

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This article was published 02/11/2021 (1755 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I lost my husband this year and now I feel liberated! He was cruel and difficult in his last few years, and I was looking after him 24-7. He called me horrible names and did many abusive things.

I’ve decided to sell the family home and move in with my new guy. I confess I started seeing him a year before my husband died. He lives out of town and has his own successful business.

I must say my deceased husband did leave me and his children (both in their 30s) with a lot of money. But that money couldn’t possibly pay for the abuse he loaded on me in recent years.

His daughters (his “girlies”) didn’t come home to see us much. When they did, Daddy miraculously let up on the obscene language and abuse, and called me his darling in front of them. Right. So, how crazy was he? Crazy like a fox! He’d start yelling obscenities at me again the minute their visit ended.

I don’t want my kids condemning my new relationship — comparing their elevated ideas of their father to my new man.

My question? How much do I tell them about the truth of the life I led the last few years?

— Misunderstood Mother, south Winnipeg

Dear Misunderstood: Let them grieve what they remember of their dad before he got ill and died. Tell your daughters carefully that you did love the man you married and had children with, but his illness changed his personality, which he could somehow control in front of company.

Try to shut the door on the nasty end of your marriage relationship in your mind. A psychologist could be a big help with that change.

Try to enjoy the new relationship you’ve begun, but realize it’s unrealistic to expect your adult children to love your new man.

Be sure to insist they be polite and decent with him. He may win them over in time — or they may refuse to give him a chance.

The bottom line? You grieved the loss of the man you married a long time ago — and now it’s time for you to move on, and for the kids to grieve their father the way they remember him.

Later, you will probably make peace, as long as you don’t try to push it too soon.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My girlfriend brought me home a bunch of clothes I didn’t ask for. They’re all black. I know she has crushes on singers in bands who wear black and look dangerous.

I’m a guitar player and singer. She likes that my black hair has grown long during the pandemic and has begged me not to get a haircut.

I asked her last night how she’d feel if I brought home a bunch of white clothes for her to wear because I like the young, virginal look. She said, “That’s disgusting!” But, it’s the same thing, isn’t it?

Hey, we’re not dress-up dolls, are we? I tried to explain it to her, and all she did was show me the bills for the clothes she bought me “as gifts.”

I told her to take them back. Now what?

— Not Turning into Anything Else, Wolseley

Dear Not Turning: This is a good time to tell each other everything — what turns you on, what doesn’t and what kind of person you really want in your bed and in your life.

For now, it seems this girlfriend needs to find herself a ready-made bad boy and see how she likes his behaviour seven days a week.

My guess is she won’t. She was trying to play it safe by dressing you up in the costume. Could she really handle a bad-to-the-bone character with rough edges, who hangs out with a dicey crowd?

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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