Hurtful reaction shows you’re not a good fit

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This article was published 18/03/2023 (1276 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I was alone at my new girlfriend’s house recently and I did a little snooping when she went out shopping. I found a stash of men’s clothes in the back of her closet, including a few tailored suits. They were certainly not mine, I can tell you that! I’m three sizes bigger.

I left them on the bed for her to see when she got home. I asked her who they belonged to, and she said, “They’re mine, you fool! Sometimes I like to dress as a man, and go out.” I thought she was joking — maybe the suit was part of a Halloween costume? But she wiped off her lipstick, brushed back her short hair and put on the tailored suit coat. It fit her perfectly. She stood there and said, “Can you handle it, or are you out of here?”

I started to walk out, and she begged me to stay. She was crying, and I just kept going. Now we’ve been split for three weeks, and I’m really missing her! At least I’m missing the female side of her.

I’ve tried to talk to her since about talking and getting back together, but she says, “You blew it when you turned your back on me, and left me devastated.” Now what can I do?

— Missing Her Like Crazy, West End

Dear Missing Her: Turn this around. If you kept a collection of women’s dresses stashed in the back of your closet, and a new female lover found them and walked out on you in shock and disgust as you were crying, would you start seeing her again? How about if she apologized after a few weeks?

It’s just too much to ask when the trust is broken like that.

She saw the shock, revulsion and rejection on your face, and then watched you walk out without even talking to her, as she cried and begged you. She’s obviously decided she doesn’t want a lifetime of hiding her other side and wondering when you’re going to turn on her and finally walk out for good. It’s time to let her go.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mom is recently separated from my dad and suddenly she has a new, younger boyfriend in his late 20s. I hate it! To make things worse, my dad took me out for dinner and quizzed me about “that guy.”

I told him the truth: “I make it my business not to know anything. I live in my bedroom, except for going downstairs to eat.”

Why doesn’t Dad just ask Mom himself? I’m 17 and will soon be out of this house. Over dinner, I asked my dad to send me to a university out of town next fall. He just said, “Hmm. Your mother wouldn’t like that.”

I said, “I think she would, now that she has a boyfriend!” He said, “OK, I’ll talk to her, but don’t count on it. You’re her baby.”

Here’s the weird part: Dad has a girlfriend too, so what does he care?

I really don’t want to live with either of my parents. I’m their only child, and I feel like I’m getting in the way of their new lives. I need to get out of this and catch a break for once! What can I do?

— In Their Way, Winnipeg

Dear In Their Way: You do need a new living situation, even if you can’t go away for school. That could mean living in university residence here, or getting a small place with dad’s financial help — and you getting a part-time job, hopefully at a place with lots of staff your age.

Spring is the right time to check out upcoming jobs, whether in retail, the restaurant industry or recreation. You can also meet lots of fun younger people at these places. If you don’t have wheels already, your dad might help you acquire an older vehicle for getting to work and back, and that could work for you socially as well.

As for your family, you can work to expand the active number, even as an only child. Contact other key people in the family such as your grandparents, favourite aunts and cousins your age. Old friends from earlier parts of your life might be interested in connecting as well. The point? You need to build your own life now — school, career, friends — and the fun and companionship that go with it.

As for your parents’ new relationship partners, be polite. Sooner or later you have to accept the fact your parents are not getting along together. Their breakup may have been a long time coming, and Dad may actually have had his new partner first.

You could lessen the tension under your present roof by saying hello and actually chatting with Mom’s new guy. He may be a decent fellow, but you’ll never find that out if you keep treating him like the enemy.

As for future months upstairs, you need to elevate your old kid’s bedroom to a kind of “command station.” Put a sign on your desk that reads “YCDT” (You can do this) and start working to create your new lifestyle, in all areas.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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