Drop notion of intimacy ‘schedule’ to ease stress

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 07/04/2023 (1229 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I have a nervous problem with sex. I’m very flirtatious at the beginning, and a very good tease, but when I know the third date has come, and full-on sex is likely to happen, I develop a red, itchy rash, with hives. Then I have to cancel the whole evening! It’s embarrassing and awkward, but a weird kind of relief too.

This has happened three times since COVID eased up. How can I get past this, and have a normal dating life? I’m not a teenager. I’m 29 and single, with no love life. I used to be overweight and not have any guys interested in me, but now I have a nice body and pretty, curly hair (I think), and I work out in sexy gym clothes. It’s the only place I go where I can meet a guy. I’m a great flirt, and act like I know what I’m doing, but I can’t seem to carry through.

— Lonely Teaser, Osborne Village

Dear Teaser: Dating is not about flirting, having a date or two and then having sex. You need to get more friendship and emotion involved as a foundation for happy stress-free sex that doesn’t make you break out in hives just thinking about it.

You’re totally missing out on that middle step of developing a romantic relationship. Building romance is not just about inspiring a man to desire you sexually. It’s about both of you wanting each other as friends and lovers. That’s not to say you need to be deeply in love to have sex, but you do need to feel safe and happy with each other — and to admire one another.

Your body and brain are actually protecting you, as you aren’t looking after yourself well enough. In a bid to slow things down, your brain starts feeling anxious and causes the body to react with red, itchy spots. Those nasty patches “warn” you to stop the sex date — as it’s happening too soon, and you’re going to be sorry afterwards.

If lovemaking happens at the right time, the interlude after sex can be sweet, relaxed and loving. But, it can be cold and awkward if sex happens too soon! Your brain would rather have hives.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I recently ran into an old girlfriend who dumped me in high school for the king of the class — the big-man athlete and lead singer in a band, with lots of blue-black hair. The girls loved him!

Well, she is still with that guy — and man, has he changed! He’s slightly shorter than her now, completely bald, with a veined nose and a bad complexion. I couldn’t help the smirk on my face.

I said “Hi!” directly to her and then asked her quietly if it was him. He heard me, and muttered, “Who else, idiot!”

This couldn’t be the “king” of our high school, I thought, but it was. Yes, it gave me some satisfaction. My old girlfriend looked embarrassed. She was not as shabby-looking as him, but not the hot girl she used to be 35 years ago.

I looked from one to the other, and without thinking, I said, “I guess none of us are as young as we used to be!” He looked at me and snorted, then gave his wife a nudge in the back to get her going, and they just walked away from me down the mall.

I stood there a minute feeling like an idiot — not sorry really. I don’t know what else I should have said. I wanted to talk to her, not him, and find out about her life.

— Mr. Big Mouth, St. Vital

Dear Mr. Big Mouth: The safest thing to say to this ex-girlfriend would have been:“Oh, hello! How are you doing these days?” and then waited. That’s lobbing the conversation ball straight into her court. Her reply would have allowed you time to orient yourself, before you asked another question.

Safest topic for you to ask her about, with Hubby standing there? “What’s going on with your brothers and sisters?” You wouldn’t be wise to ask after her parents right off the hop, as one or both might have died. That’s a deeper conversation than you’d want to have in that awkward situation.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography