Don’t gamble on your future with profligate partner

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 20/06/2023 (1154 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband is out at the casino after work almost every day and evening — losing his money. I never see him because he’s always gambling at some different place with his buddies. He comes home late, smelling of liquor.

I don’t sleep with him anymore — haven’t for years. I also have my own bank accounts, and one secret account he doesn’t know about at all.

I’m ready to break off this marriage, but our children and grandchildren love this charming man, and would hate me for kicking Dad/Grandad out!

I can never quit working, because of the instability of our financial life — unless I leave him now and work another 10 years. I do have a good job. What do you think?

– Ready to Blow This Up, Transcona

Dear Ready: Do what’s good for you now! You estimate there’s 10 years left to build up your money and other assets for retirement. He’s not been a good husband to you in recent years, and his charm has worn itself to a thread.

It’s possible you could find a really nice new man if you were free and really enjoy life again as a couple — with trust, fun and a warm attraction. Quietly see a new lawyer that’s all yours to talk out the situation and explore possibilities.

Don’t get hung up on your husband’s popularity in the family! This charming gambler will find a way to wheedle his way back into the family’s good graces after you leave him. You’d better warn the grown-up kids to lock their money up before Dad tries to get his hands on some of it.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband almost lives in his deluxe garage from spring through fall, doing woodworking and other artistic stuff. I used to be fine with that, and thought he was an amazing artist. Now I only go in there if I have to. Imagine my surprise when I ducked in the other day and discovered my husband had installed an enlarged window on the side facing the house next door!

This year, that particular house has a new owner — a single woman — with a beautiful new swimming pool. They’ve become good friends, as they’re both passionate about cultivating special flowers that are becoming extinct… or so he tells me.

So why does he need the big window? Fresh air? Or maybe for a better view of the pool and our new neighbour? Is he talking to her through his big side window where I can’t see them?

I am aware I’m acting snide and jealous. The problem is, I don’t have a leg to stand on, because I got caught having a “friendship” that went too far with a man at my work. This relationship with the pool princess could be a coincidence, or possibly it’s tit-for-tat.

My question to you is about the fate of our baby project. I always wanted to have a little family, but I had a great career, and time wore on. I’m now in my early 30s, with no time to lose, but suddenly this marriage doesn’t seem solid enough to support a pregnancy.

I know my husband hasn’t really forgiven me for the affair I had, even though it’s totally over. What can I do?

— No Time to Lose, Norwood

Dear No Time: Get everything out on the table now. Have a preliminary talk and then ask your husband to go to marriage counselling with you in the near future to figure out what lies ahead. If he won’t go, then do it on your own. As you realize, your husband is probably not going to want to start a family if the marriage is shaky. And yes, he may already be looking elsewhere.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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