Get proactive, and faraway love could flourish

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 17/01/2024 (944 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’ve been dating this woman for just over a year — and she just accepted a term position to work abroad — for a whole year.

I’d love to spend the rest of my life with her, and would follow her to another country, if she were moving permanently. But I don’t want to uproot for a year, then come back to possibly no job. I also don’t want to be celibate for a year, and neither of us can afford to be flying to one another with any regularity.

The thought of us both being “actively free and single” during that time also makes me sick. I don’t want her to meet someone else she finds attractive, while we’re apart. Frankly, I don’t like the idea of her casually hooking up with any other people, but asking her not to go is out of the question.

I’d never ask someone to compromise on their dreams for me, and it’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Truthfully, I’m afraid it could grow into more than a year over there. I’m not sure what to do waiting back here in Manitoba. It feels like there’s a heartache down every potential path.

— Loving Her is Hurting, Fort Richmond

Dear Hurting: There are three ways to go: You could be a “real” prince — a good sport willing to gamble and encourage your girlfriend’s adventure; you could quietly drag your heels, saying very little that’s supportive about her project; or you could be frankly negative, pointing out all the pitfalls and warning her you might not be around when she comes back.

The princely option is most likely to win the “lady fair.” If she doesn’t like her new overseas work project and wants to come home, she doesn’t have to tough it out to prove anything to you, or herself. She can just return home to your loving arms early, if she wants or needs to.

You might also plan a couple trips to see her — holidaying together every few months near her workplace. Even if you can’t figure out dates right now, come up with a few fun and romantic excursion ideas. Handle it like you would if you were married and working apart.

You might also do some travelling yourself with buddies, like a skiing holiday in Canada or a week at a beach in Mexico. That could even things up a little for you, and lessen the guilt for your lady friend.

It might also bring her home faster, if she isn’t enjoying being abroad!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I recently got out of jail, and through some connections I got a job I’m quite happy about. I enjoy going to work and I’m developing new skills. I’m good at expressing myself, but I’m not sure how to handle talking about my past when I start dating.

I was never violent and there’s nothing to worry about for a woman. But when do you bring up “jail” in a new relationship? I have certainly paid my debt to society, but it feels like some people will never be able to forgive or understand.

I want to be fair to whoever my future girlfriend is, but I also want her to give me a fair chance, and get to know me, before she bolts and runs because of something I did when I was young, dumb and angry at the world!

Nobody can give me a straight answer, so I figured I’d hit you up, as I’m a fan.

— Incarceration Secret, Winnipeg

Dear Secret: Thanks for writing. Here’s some good news: you don’t need to spill everything about your jail time on your first or second dates. But when it seems like there’s a real relationship starting to develop, that’s when you need to share some of the important learning experiences that have made you who you are today. That certainly includes jail.

Just don’t do it too soon. You don’t want to find out you can’t trust someone after you’ve spilled important secrets. Think of this confession as going into the water with someone new at a lake you don’t know well.

At first you may be sitting on beach chairs at water’s edge, chatting away about your interests and getting to know and like each other — nothing chancy in that. Then you decide to wade in together at the edge of the water — just a little trust involved.

But when you decide to swim out together into deeper waters, then you want to know beforehand what you’re getting into, and if you can count on the other person. It’s time to talk seriously, and people must be careful on both sides.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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