Things won’t warm up after cold calculation

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This article was published 31/01/2024 (930 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a divorced man who’s been seeing a woman from another province. When we were down in Mexico vacationing at Christmas time, I really thought things were moving toward commitment. On the last night I finally asked what she thought about making our relationship permanent.

She was having a few drinks, but is not a shy person to begin with. She said in a cold, unemotional voice, “But I make way more money than you do. How could that possibly work out?”

I shot back, “Obviously it couldn’t.” She saw the look at my face and said, “Uh-oh, looks like a storm is coming on.”

Good thing we were returning to Canada the next day. A coldness settled on our relationship, and everything became tense. The plane ride the next morning felt like it took forever. All she said to me during the trip was to get over it. Is there even any point in opening up this conversation again, or are we finished? I’m asking you because she’s not talking much now.

— Still in Shock, Westwood

Dear Still In Shock: Any person who could casually toss out a bomb like she did wasn’t contemplating a serious relationship with you. It may have been a sex-buddy vacation thing for her, and she wasn’t thinking about a future of any kind. Maybe she thought you were thinking the same way.

Don’t waste your time worrying about opening up a serious conversation about the money issue — the love isn’t there, and never will be.

Besides, she lives in a different province, which makes things even more complicated. Next time, invest your energy and emotions closer to home so you can develop a real relationship with a bigger chance of succeeding.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I ran into a former high school girlfriend at an old pal’s funeral. I wasn’t totally surprised because he was her cousin. Now I’m in trouble with her.

Everybody’s related to everybody in my old neighbourhood. The reception was more like a reunion — and everywhere I turned, that old girlfriend was at my elbow. She kept asking for my number, so I finally gave it to her. Later she called me and said she was feeling sad. She asked sweetly if she could come over.

I was feeling a little down too. I stupidly said she could. Twenty minutes later a taxi arrived with her in it, carrying the rest of the bottle of liquor she had been drinking. We started toasting her departed cousin, and anybody else we could think of.

I found out a couple drinks later she still carried a big torch for me. She started making some suggestive moves and I caved in. But afterwards I panicked. I called her a cab at 2 a.m. and sent her off. She went home unhappy, but she went. She’s been trying to call me ever since.

I’m not hot for her anymore and have little patience for hard drinkers. I feel kind of sorry for her, but not so sorry I would want to get back with her, especially now she’s drinking. Should I lie to her and say I have a girlfriend?

— Desperate For Escape, North End

Dear Desperate: It’s too late to fake having a girlfriend at this point, but it’s not too late for the truth, told gently. Start by saying you have good memories from your past relationship with her, but there were also reasons you two broke up and got over each other.

Thank her for the recent get-together, but tell her firmly you’re not up for anything more. Then you’ll need to stick to your guns if she contacts you late at night saying she’s lonely — even if you’re lonely too. A good move would be to silence your phone or set it to “do not disturb”’ at times you may feel vulnerable to cave.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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