Don’t sleep on haunted mate’s nocturnal admissions

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 14/05/2024 (883 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I have met a new man who’s particularly funny in bed. He must have great dreams because he says hilarious, nonsensical things in his sleep. But then, last night he was dreaming and he cried out, “Baby. Baby. Why don’t you love me anymore?”

I realized he wasn’t talking about me. He knows I love him to bits. He was still dreaming about the woman who left him three years ago and married his best friend.

I love this man, but how can I hang around if she is haunting his dreams at night? Plus, he obviously still loves her.

I’m scared to talk to him about this because I worry he might stop seeing me.

— Feeling Hurt and Helpless, Grant Park

Dear Hurt and Helpless: You have to take the risk by telling him what he’s doing at night and the exact words he’s saying — even though it’s embarrassing to repeat them. You also need to ask him more about his former love and the fact the wound has not healed.

He might not want to talk to you about it, but let him know there are people who can help mend a broken heart — psychologists, psychiatrists and relationship counsellors. Research a few names for him and give them to him.

If you can get him to go for help, he might be able to finally get past this catastrophe in his life. Then there could be hope for you two, as a couple. If that’s not going to happen, at least you’ll know and won’t waste any more time.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife, who has been separated from me for a couple of years, looks young for her age (she is 38) and I look like the tired 46-year-old guy I am. She said the age difference wasn’t a problem five years ago when I had a lot of money and spent it on her.

I loved her and happily married her. She didn’t want kids, and I was OK with that. I had a great job at the time, plus a side business. She and I used to fly to different islands on holidays and have great times. Then COVID hit. I lost a pile of money and I started going out to gamble to try and recoup my losses.

That turned out to be a big mistake.

My wife started going out on the same nights to get even and met a younger guy who became her “best friend.” I saw him and thought there was no danger there because he was kind of small and unassertive. She said they were just friends, but then he suddenly became a big danger. She left me and moved in with him.

I have now got back everything I lost during COVID — except her. I thought I could somehow win back her love now that I’m making good money again, but she seems stuck on this guy.

She says she loves him. So what? She used to say she loved me, too, when I had the money to afford her. How can I get my wife back?

— Missing my Wife, Winnipeg

Dear Missing: Sometimes people who buy and sell things for a living get into the mindset that everything has a price — even friends and lovers. But your wife is not a beautiful car you once owned and can just buy back now your hard financial times are over.

Your ex may have been attracted to your money in the beginning, but you turned her off when you deserted her. Most importantly, you deserted her as both her friend and lover. In fact, you continually left her to go gambling while you were still living with her, so she found a new friend, who turned out to be more than a buddy.

The fact this man is physically smaller and less assertive than you counts for nothing. It’s time to leave your ex-wife alone, and let her live her life the way she wants to live it. Then you might consider getting some personal counselling to help you do that, so you can put your life back together in every way.

Please send your questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography