Getting even for you leaving was icing on cake

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This article was published 15/08/2024 (729 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My girlfriend threw a “last-minute” 30th birthday party for herself, while I was away in the U.S. for a big fishing trip with my buddies. There was nothing last-minute about that big party. On social media, friends wrote, “Biggest bash of the summer! Totally fantastic!”

I was shocked reading the reports. A few friends said, “Too bad you missed it!”

Right. The thing that galls me is she planned the big party in secret. I was only going to be away for two lousy weeks. Couldn’t she have waited?

She even hired a live band, so that definitely had to be pre-planned, way before I left.

Also, I read there was a “truck load” of pizza that arrived, tubs of beer on ice, a three-foot-high birthday cake and fireworks at midnight! She shelled out a lot of money for that soirée. I saw all the glowing reports from people who were invited. She had to know I’d find out all about it.

Things are not going well with us since I got back, and there is no sex happening at all. In her defence, she tells me she was bored and lonely and decided to have “a few friends over to share her special birthday.”

While I may have been “thoughtless” leaving her for her big-deal birthday, she went over the top to hurt me back. She invited 50 or more people — come on! What the heck was really going on in her head? While I may have been a little thoughtless, she went after revenge.

— Hurt and Angry, Winnipeg

Dear Hurt and Angry: Thirty can be a hard birthday for young-ish people who don’t want to be considered “old.” Did she not tell you how she was feeling?

It seems you decided on your own it’d be OK to be far away having fun with your own crew on your girlfriend’s 30th, so she decided to throw herself a big party and have a blast! Getting even with you was a bonus.

Still, you’ll need to soften your outrage a little if you want to save this relationship. Why not make the first apology, realizing your girlfriend will need a little time to digest it?

Then, she will hopefully make the followup apology, and you’ll both start talking — really talking. You two need to make serious changes that involves increased sensitivity toward each other, or you’re not going to make it together much longer.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I recently retired, and I hate it already! My wife loves having me home, but the truth is after several months of yard work and boring weeks at the beach, I really want to go back to work.

I quietly got in touch with my former workplace last week, and they said they’d be “very glad” to have me back half-time. They haven’t found a good replacement yet, and they’re really swamped.

I want to take the offer. I’d feel useful and needed again — two things I don’t feel anymore.

However, my sweet wife will be disappointed if I go back to work, as she really hoped to head south and be a snowbird this winter. I don’t mind that idea for a short period of three to four weeks, but I’m really not a holiday/party guy.

In fact, I had to give up drinking years ago. Alcohol is a dangerous, ugly pit for me.

How can we work this out? I love my wife and don’t want to disappoint her. I suspect she’s getting sick of me moping around, not knowing what to do. I’m just faking being OK, and time is really dragging. Please help.

— Missing Work Badly, Windsor Park

Dear Missing Work Badly: It’s time to stop hiding your true feelings about quitting work, and how empty life is feeling now for you. Your wife knows you well, and may tell you she’s already noticed the changes. No doubt she wants you to be happy again.

So tell your beloved your old workplace needs a hand for a time, and you’d like to accept, but you’d also be happy to check out some snowbird situations that might work for both of you.

Suggest one month away as a starter. That makes more sense than committing to staying away anywhere for the whole winter. Some people don’t enjoy their first snowbird sojourn, but later find a situation they really like, so be sure to check out different places in the southern U.S. and Mexico, for starters. A compromise of part-time work and several one-month holidays could work for you two.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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